|“||C'mon, ride the train. It's the choo choo, and ride it. Heh... it's the Adventure Zone!||”|
Full transcript available here.
Our heroes board their fateful train to Neverwinter, and are rude to just about every single person aboard. Merle strikes out at evangelism. Magnus learns that he may not, in fact, have the biggest muscles. Taako just wrecks some baby carrots.
After a slight detour, the Tres Horny Boys board the Rockport Limited. The train is incredibly luxurious, having gilded with gold, silver, and platinum. It also has a posh interior, soft seats, and shag carpeting. They walk into the passenger train, where they meet Hudson, the train's engineer. He asks for their tickets and their weapons, which they comply with. Meanwhile, Merle, still pretending to be Leeman Kessler, tries out a Scottish accent, which greatly annoys everyone else. Hudson thanks them for riding Rockport Limited, and allows them onto the train. Before departing, he tells them that, if they need him, he will be in the engine car for the duration of the trip, and that, as a security measure, he will not be coming out for any reasons.
Walking through the passenger car, the boys see three other passengers. One of them is a stout dwarven woman with large muscles. Sitting behind her is a young boy, who is wearing a fancy boy suit and a fancy blue cap. Magnus rolls insight to see how fancy and rolls a 16. It's pretty darn fancy. Sitting a few rows behind is a round, young man with a big bushy beard. He is wearing trashy wizard robes with the words "juicy" sewn onto where the butt would be.The boys make it to their sleeper car, wherein stands Jenkins. He is wearing a red Rockport Limited suit, along with a technicolor bowtie. He opens his mouth to greet the boys, and makes a voice that sounds like a mix between Mike Myers, Vincent Price, and Droopy. He tells them that he is the Rockport Limited's wizard attendant, and asks if the boys would like a trip to one of its "pleasure rooms", which they instantly misconstrue as sexual. Magnus asks Jenkins about the dwarven lady outside in the passenger car, and he explains that she's a famous Midworld Wrestling Federation star well-known for "un-heading" her opponents. Jenkins points out how heavy her ax was to carry to the back car. Taako mocks Jenkins for carrying the ax instead of just casting Levitate on it.
TAAKO: Did you carry the axe back there? JENKINS: Yes. TAAKO: [To himself] Kind of a shitty wizard.
After an argument about conserving spell slots, Jenkins shows the boys through the train's dining and cargo cars. As he does, he forgets what his own voice sounds like, and the boys start mercilessly mocking Jenkins's voice, causing him to have a breakdown. Fed up, Jenkins ends the tour and leaves, but not before spouting his catchphrase.
JENKINS: Smell you later. CLINT: And a T-shirt is born!
After a quick power-nap, the Tres Horny Boys head back into the passenger car to meet some of their fellow passengers. Seeing nobody there, they head towards a voice coming from the dining car. There, they see the fancy boy from earlier reading a book, along with Jenkins and the Juicy Wizard, who is coming out of one the train's pleasure rooms. Taako asks about the pleasure rooms, still thinking it's a sex thing. Jenkins explains that pleasure rooms are actually small portals that can teleport you anywhere you wish to go and that they're made using a magic that Jenkins specializes in. He also explains that items cannot be taken from the places they visit, as they will be destroyed when the person comes back, and that only he can create these portals.After trying and failing to gain access to the cargo car via the pleasure room, the boys decide to get their grub on, and they go to sit at the same table as the fancy boy. Merle pulls out his Extreme Teen Bible and attempts to teach the boy the good word of Pan. The boy declines, as he's not allowed to talk to people who worship pagan gods, so Merle gives him a Pan Chick tract instead. The boy asks for Merle's name, and he introduces himself as Brother Leeman. The boy tells them that his name is Angus and that he's heading to Neverwinter to visit his grandfather. Magnus is instantly suspicious.
MAGNUS: He’s the bad guy- ANGUS: Excuse m- MAGNUS : [whispering] We’ve, that’s definitely the bad guy, that’s definitely the bad guy! ANGUS : Excuse me, sirs. My grandpa says it’s rude to whisper, especially on a train.
Angus asks the rest of the party, Magnus, and Taako, what their names are, and they reply that it's Diddly and Justin. Merle asks Angus if he likes magic tricks, and casts Zone of Truth on him in order to see if he's as innocent as he seems. Unfortunately, Angus rolls a 24 and resists the spell, which makes him even more suspicious to the boys. The boys leave Angus and head over to the Juicy Wizard. He asks for their names, and they reply with the names they gave Angus. He tells them that his name is Graham.
GRAHAM: It’s not as fun. I still sound like the boy that you were just talking to- MAGNUS: You have a youthful energy about you! TAAKO: Yeah. A very Angus-like vibe.
Graham recognizes Taako, so he tells Graham that Taako is a just a stage name and that his real name is Justin Leeman. Graham tells the boys that, while he is a wizard, his real dream is to work on a train. He says that his application for a job on the Rockport Limited was rejected, so he's been learning from Jenkins. Taako takes the opportunity to take potshots at Jenkins.
TAAKO: You’re a-- You’re a worse wizard than Jenkins. JUSTIN: I said that loud enough so that Jenkins could hear. JENKINS: Why would you do that? TAAKO: Oh, I didn’t want you to have to waste a spell slot trying to read my mind. I know how precious they are.
Seeing that this conversation is taking a turn for the worse, Graham bids farewell and heads to a table far away from the boys.
CLINT: We are really making friends on this train. JUSTIN: Influencing people.
[Theme Tune Plays]
The Money Zone Edit
Sponsored by NatureBox.
Message to Ryan from Ryan's husband Mike and his friends John and Julia: Congratulations on getting another level in insurance man. the adjustor specialization gives you +5 to authority, +2 to stress, and -2 to shitty coworkers. In addition, five times per day you may command an underling to do time loss or other menial tasks. You're a fantastic husband, a great friend, a badass cleric, and an awesome DM.
Sponsored by Hammer Trinity.
Featured NPCs Edit
Featured Locations Edit
The Secret Word Edit
MERLE: How do we summon you, Jenkins? JENKINS: Well, the train has four goddamn cars, so just open all the doors and yell. MAGNUS: So, is it like a magic word, or like a whistle? Is there a bell somewhere? JENKINS: Yes. I-- a witch kissed me and cursed me so that anytime anybody yells a secret word, I have to attend to their every need, and that word is my fucking name, Jenkins.