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Ep. 23: Petals to the Metal - Chapter Six

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Klarg and our heroes are reunited, but does it feel so good? Let's find out in... The Adventure Zone!

—The Announcer


Synopsis Edit

Can our heroes secure their hairy compatriot and their arcane objective while not killing everyone in sight? Also, can they go five whole minutes without making a dildo joke? Merle soothes some anger. Magnus sets his axe to stun. Taako reveals his spirit animal.

Klarg Again Klarg Again, Jiggity Jig Edit

We rejoin our heroes in the Hammerhead Headquarters, and immediately Magnus wants to punch something. Klarg the Bugbear is being held against his will, and Magnus’s first instinct is to punch him out of there. Magnus is trembling with the effort of not punching everyone to free Klarg, which Maarvey, the boss, notices.

Meanwhile, there’s a banging at the Hammerhead gate, and Maarvey sends Regular-Sized Jerry (Jerreeeeee) to go investigate, leaving Maarvey, Klarg, an extra guy, and two guys working under a lifted Battle Wagon. Magnus rushes in to pull the lever to drop the car on the two guys working beneath it.

Magnus has lever proficiency. He says “Ehhh, ya squished!” and pulls the lever. The guys yell out “Hey wha-“

~BULLET TIME~ Edit

Justin interjects: “Wait, weren’t we supposed to not kill anyone?” Oh yeah. Clint comes up with a solution: Magnus hits the lever again, slowing the car and simply pinning the dudes, while Merle yells “Magnus, we told you not to touch anything!” Not only are they just pinned, but the Hammerheads won’t know they did it on purpose.

Magnus decides to only pull it half-way and push it half way back. Griffin, DM, describes that messing with the lever doesn’t actually do anything, and the battle wagon still falls and squishes the two dudes under it. Travis insists that the squished dudes have one hit point left, but Griffin says it does not look good.

Garage Battle Edit

First in the order is one of the ruffians who is guarding Klarg. He attacks Magnus with a hammer, but Magnus parries (Matthew Perrys) to reduce the damage.

Next up is Maarvey, who stands up and pulls out a stun baton from his desk, like what they would use at a shitty zoo. He moves to poke the stun baton into Taako’s chest, but Justin points out that he’s still disguised as Little Jerry. Maarvey attacks Merle instead.

Magnus attacks the guy who just attacked him, with Railsplitter, two handed. Griffin reminds him to specify non-lethal damage.

The second ruffian, named Craigory, starts to walk toward Magnus and Merle to join in the fight, but Klarg reaches out and prevents him from joining the other ruffians. Klarg grabs the back of Craigory’s shirt and pins him down.

Merle uses his Warhammer (Smoosher) to smoosh Klarg’s chains. [TRAVIS: A little ooc talk: I hope Klarg’s not mad at us?] Craigory rears back in fear, thinking that the attack was coming his way. Smoosher smooshes the chains, freeing Klarg, who stands up, roars defiantly, and joins the battle.

Taako grabs Maarvey's arm that has the stun baton, and jams it into his face. This is the first melee attack Taako has ever done. Maarvey takes 13 thunder damage, pees his pants, and falls down. He starts convulsing and it’s honestly pretty graphic.

The ruffian Magnus hit sees that Klarg is out of his chains, says “Oh shit!” and hightails it for the door. Magnus tries to attack him as he goes, but misses.

Klarg wraps his chain around the neck of Craigory. Klarg comes through!

Magnus is up next, and Craigory pleads for his life. He’s also pissed his pants. Taako asks where the Arcane Core is, and Craigory points to it, and tells him Maarvey has the key. Taako goes to get the key, and helps himself to Maarvey's stun baton as well, a-thank you very much.

Meanwhile, Magnus goes over to Klarg, who looks like he’s about to pop Craigory’s head off. Travis tries to talk him down, pointing out that Klarg is his hugbear buddy. Klarg says that he’s been having a really rough few months since meeting our heroes the first time.[1] Klarg chokes Craigory even harder, backing up toward one of the Battle Wagons. Merle casts Calm Emotion, trying to get Klarg to chill out. Klarg succeeds his saving roll, and stays angry. Craigory, on the other hand, does not, and is suddenly just, like, super chill about the whole chain situation.

In a smooth motion, Klarg Sparta-kicks[2] Craigory toward Magnus and rips the tarp off the Battle Wagon, which reveals a two-wheel, long, sleek, rusted bronze motorcycle-type battle wagon. and he hops astride it, promising that their next meeting would be bad… for Magnus, Taako, and Merle.

Oh, dip. Sirens. Edit

It’s time to skeedaddle, as the cops are coming. Taako remembers why they’re actually here, and grabs the keys off Maarvey, who grunts out, “This is a legitimate business, what are you doing? I swear I’m gonna get revenge on this… act, this heinous act.” Taako takes the ring of keys and finds the right one for the chest. They get the Arcane Core out of a very nice chest (which has space for two cores). The Arcane Core is a shining blue cube, which sort of looks like there’s a swirling white cloud inside of it.

They lift the lever and check on the squished dudes, who are still breathing. With that, it’s time to go!

Despite Magnus’s Battle Wagon Proficiency, the trio decide not to steal a Battle Wagon, as that would be incriminating as hell.

Back in Hurley’s garage Edit

They’re back in Hurley’s garage! Hurley is very excited about the Core and the upcoming race. “We can do it, guys!” she says. “We’ll have the best racing team ever!” She asks if they killed anybody, and Taako tells her that it was definitely their least lethal conflict ever. Hurley pops the Arcane Core into her Battle Wagon and the engine kicks on and it’s really loud. We’re in business! And it’s the business of racing.

Hurley unfurls a big map of the race course, which is 6 miles long and ends just this side of the sheer cliff drop off. Hurley describes that they will be racing against 15 other teams, and that a team can have up to 4 members.

Hurley will be driving the wagon, and the rest of the team will take on the offensive and defensive positions. Magnus is in charge of security, meaning if the wagon gets any boarders, it’s up to him to keep them off. Taako is going to be playing offense (non-lethally), stationed up at the gunner compartment/harpoon canon. They need to save the harpoon for as long as possible (Hurley thinks they’ll need it to catch up to Sloane), and Taako has the best range attacks with his Magic Missiles.

Taako asks if they’re trying to win or just get ahold of The Raven. Hurley wants to win, saying that beating her is the only way they’ll convince her to back off her powers. Taako asks if they can ask Sloane not to use any of her powers, but Hurley doesn’t think she would listen. But, she says, The Raven is a very honorable racer.

Hurley gives Merle a long flat box. Inside is [a pizza] the Adamant Spanner, which is a big, black, metal [dildo] wrench. Merle is charged with being the “body man,” riding shotgun and repairing the wagon as it incurs damage and using the Adamant Spanner to clobber, as needed.

Hurley remembers that the guys are going to need safety harnesses as well. Magnus objects to wearing one on principle. She pulls out some black [dildos] vests made out of straps. Taako’s and Magnus’s fit fine, but Merle’s is a little tight because Merle’s using one of Hurley’s safety vests, and she is not nearly as wide as he is. If the members of the party fall off the battle wagon, the safety harnesses will deploy a bubble and keep them from getting hurt when they hit the ground. Magnus is not impressed. (It is still really, really super dangerous, Hurley says, but the harnesses will keep them from “definitely dying.”)

The Adventure Zone - Hanging with the Boner Squad01:16

The Adventure Zone - Hanging with the Boner Squad

Because it’s still technically illegal, Hurley relates, drivers wear masks to hide their identities. She has made the trio masks: a roaring, brown Grizzly bear for Magnus, a wise old owl (white feathers and a cracked yellow beak) for Merle, and for Taako, a mongoose. [See video.]

The masks fit really well. And…

Starwipe! Edit

Everyone is montaging. Merle will be riding shotgun, Taako will be poking out of the roof (kinda like whack-a-mole), and Magnus will be strapped into the rails on top of the car.

Justin tries for a training montage, but Griffin says it’s just a Camp Nowhere montage, and also a long rest. Clint sings Seasons in the Sun. Griffin ends the montage and declares it morning, which means it’s time for a MORNING MONTAGE.

No, never mind. They got up early to drive the battle wagon into a crate. They spend a half hour moving hither and yon, sweating their balls off in the sweltering crate. Their masks are nice and cool, though: Thanks Hurley!

Eventually beams of sunlight illuminate the swirling dust, which means the sun is up, and there’s a sudden flurry of activity. They hear sounds of engines, singing, war cries, laughter, and finally the sound of a horn. The race is about to begin. Hurley asks for their last words, but it's too late! The race is begun!

Money Zone Edit

Sponsored by NatureBox.

Personal message for Nigel, from Adrienne: Happy birthday! Hope this year brings you many adventures. Thanks for being the best big brother and showering me with stickers, burritos, and cat pictures. Also, belated thanks for letting me play D&D with you and your friends when we were kids. That was really nice of you. Let's do that again sometime!

Personal message for Dave Ah-mah-go, from Lexa Muhchoose: Bandit's parents are a Dogo Argentino/Airedale Terrier cross, and a Dogo Argentino/mutt cross. That one guy at the park was right!

Personal message for Ray, from Keith, Kyle, Arwen, and Chris: Happy birthday, Ray, from your adventuring party and your dungeon master. Even if Twidget only manages to roll ones when she heals, and she seems bent on taking over the world with an undead horde, the party just wouldn't be the same without her. We hope you're not too drunk when you hear this so that you'll actually remember it tomorrow.

Featured NPCs Edit

Featured Locations Edit

Goldcliff Edit

  • Hammerhead Headquarters
  • Hurley's Garage
  • The Battle Wagon Racetrack

Quotes Edit

“Lawful” Good Edit

[7:56] TRAVIS: But Griffin, I don’t want to kill!
[7:58] GRIFFIN: It’s your default setting, apparently!
[8:03] TRAVIS: I must not kill again! [roll initiative]
[8:35] TRAVIS: Not killing is really hard. How does Batman do it?
[8:40] GRIFFIN: He’s got all those wonderful tools.

Battle Stations Edit

[11:50] TRAVIS: Oh my god, my desk is a fuckin’ mess.
[11:51] GRIFFIN: What have I told you guys about your game stations!?

Magnus tries not to kill Edit

[17:43] GRIFFIN: Magnus, you are going to get to make an opportunity attack against him.
[17:50] TRAVIS: Battle axe?
[17:55] GRIFFIN: You can use whatever.
[18:00] JUSTIN: Can you use the flat part, puh-lease?
[18:01] TRAVIS: Nonlethal.
[18:03] JUSTIN: Is there a dull side?

Craigory chills the fuck out Edit

[22:02] GRIFFIN: [Merle casts Calm Emotion] Klarg rolls a 19. The ruffian [Craigory] rolls a 3, so he’s just like,
[22:13] CRAIGORY: Hey man, whatever.
[22:17] TRAVIS: Super chill about dying.
[22:18] CRAIGORY: This is cray- this is a crazy chain thing that’s going on. It’s pretty cool. Cool cool cool cool cool.

Police birds Edit

[33:34] HURLEY: Were those sirens?
[33:36] MAGNUS: What? No! Uh… that was, uh, birds. Real big birds.
[33:40] HURLEY: They didn’t catch you guys, did they?
[33:42] MAGNUS: No. That’s why we’re here, Stupid.
[33:46] HURLEY: [laughing] You know, you’re right, that was dumb of me. ‘Here’s your sign,’ right?[3] Anyway…

Hurley’s still a cop Edit

[34:12] HURLEY: We’re going to have the best team out there! One thing, you didn’t kill anyone, did you?
[34:22] MAGNUS: No.
[34:22] TAAKO: No! Not to our knowledge!
[34:24] MAGNUS: We most certainly… did not.
[34:29] HURLEY: I guess I’ll have to take your word for it. If I hear anything on the police scanner, though, I’ll just be very disappointed in you. There won’t be any consequences if you did kill anybody, it’s just-
[34:38] TAAKO: No! but, listen. Things got rough in there, and some people got hurt pretty bad. But they escaped with their lives, you know?
[34:47] HURLEY: I guess that’s all I can hope for!
[34:50] TAAKO: Let me put it this way, if this makes you feel better. This was actually our least fatal conflict we’ve ever had in our entire lives.
[34:58] MAGNUS: Oh, yeah. Yeah yeah yeah. We could have killed WAY more, and we have!
[35:04] TAAKO: Oh boy, howdy!
[35:04] MAGNUS: We killed a whole town once.
[35:06] TAAKO: We wiped out a whole- well, that’s neither here nor there. So is this the right thing?
[35:10] MAGNUS: Did we do good? Or…
[35:15] TAAKO: What’s up, you proud of us?

Magnus rushes in! (onto another battle wagon) Edit

[37:35] HURLEY: Listen, if the opportunity strikes and you see an opportunity to hop onto somebody else’s battle wagon-
[37:41] MAGNUS: DONE. Don’t ask twice.
[37:47] TAAKO: Probably the least necessary sentence anyone’s ever uttered in all of our adventures, frankly.

Asking The Raven to temporarily give up her natural god powers for the race? Sure. Edit

[38:47] HURLEY: I don’t think she’s gonna listen to that. She’s a really honorable racer; it’s her favorite thing, so I don’t think she’s going to like, cheat by making a big wall of vines come out and block us or anything. But. You never know. She’s a lot of things, but she’s not a cheater.
[39:00] MERLE: Yeah, yeah. Killer. Thief. You know.
[39:08] MAGNUS: Crazy bird woman. Yeah.
[39:12] HURLEY: Well. She’s okay. She- she’s alright.

Gotta Catch ‘Em All Edit

[41:55] CLINT: [on the Adamant Spanner]:Is it for keepsies?
[42:00] GRIFFIN: Maybe! Maybe if you’re good.
[42:04] JUSTIN: Everything’s for keepsies if you’re sneaky about it. That’s on the back of my trading card.

WWBFD Edit

[42:40] GRIFFIN: She pulls out these black vests made out of different straps and buckles.
[42:45] TRAVIS: Are they sequin-y? Because they remind me of my show choir vests.
[42:46] GRIFFIN: No, they’re not sequin-y at all. They’re very functional.
[42:47] TRAVIS: Do we have time to put some sequins on before the race?
[42:48] HURLEY: The race is tomorrow morning. I could spend the night teaching you about battle wagon racing, or you can spend your time putting on sequins on your safety harness.
[42:55] TAAKO: I vote sequins.
[42:56] MAGNUS: Sequins.
[43:01] CLINT: What would Bob Fosse[4] do?

The Mongoose Edit

TAAKO: Because the mongoose has specialized acetylcholine receptors that make it impervious to venom, so they’re known for killing snakes. Very surprisingly dangerous – you know, like Riki Tiki Tavi? … You know? You know not everything has to be a joke. Sometimes you can just be honest about your feelings! And that’s how I see myself, you know? I may not be the most threatening silhouette but I like to think of myself as somebody who can stand up for- you know, it doesn’t always have to be goof-goof-dildo the whole time, okay? You know, I’m traveling around with the boner squad and I never get to say what I’m feeling! I have emotions! It’s not all ‘Abra-ca-fuck-you’ and what have you! I have a beating heart! I’m a fully-realized creation! Fuck!

Last Words: Edit

[54:58] HURLEY: Do you guys have any last words?
[55:00] MERLE: Yeah. [The horn blows, and the race is begun!]

References Edit

  1. See Here There Be Gerblins, Episodes 2 and 3 .
  2. This! Is! Goldcliff!
  3. Here's your sign.
  4. Bob Fosse.

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