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What otherworldly horrors will the McElroys face this week? Let's find out together... in The Adventure Zone!

—The Announcer


Synopsis Edit

Our heroes’ first job is not going especially well. Taako, Merle, and Magnus are hot on the trail of their employer’s kidnappers, leading them into a perilous gerblin den. Will they discover the fate of Gundren and his ward, Barry Bluejeans? Or will they find themselves held up by complicated gerblin office politics?

Crouching Gerblin, Hidden Taako Edit

Our adventurers have regrouped at the mouth of the Cragmaw Hideout.[1] Griffin allows them a short rest to recover their precious lost hit points. After restoring some hit points and bemoaning the lack of the Taako Voice (Griffin: "It sounded like the kind of thing that would be racist") the heroes watch the dead bridge goblin lazily float down the river as they contemplate their next course of action.

After hearing the sound of low voices coming from further in the cave, Taako decides to investigate while Merle and Magnus hang back. Fortunately, he passes his Stealth check and discovers a group of goblins roasting some meat over a campfire. About ten feet away lies an unconscious human man resembling Tom Arnold.[2] Taako quickly waves over his two companions, who miraculously pass their Stealth checks and peer at the unaware goblins. The trio considers the possibility of a surprise attack and draws up their battle plan through a series of intricate hand signals. After the plan is decided upon, Magnus politely gestures for Taako to make the first strike against the goblins.

Darting around the corner, Taako levies a Magic Missile blast at the goblin nearest to Tom Arnold. The shocked and damaged goblin shouts in surprise only to get nailed with a crit from Magnus's shortbow immediately thereafter. With one goblin down, Merle charges the other goblins and nails one with Smusher. Unfortunately, this doesn't kill the goblin, who retaliates. Another goblin rushes Magnus and slashes him in the chest, doing 6 damage. The final remaining goblin scurries up the wall towards Tom Arnold and hangs him over a steep precipice. "Put your weapons down!" shouts the goblin.

House of Klargs Edit

[22:06] GOBLIN: The three of you strike me as ... businessmen. Is that a fair assumption?
[22:17] TAAKO: I love business.
[22:19] GOBLIN: I don't think anyone in this room wants to get stabbed any more than we already have. I have a proposition for you.
[22:28] JUSTIN: Uh, okay. [In Taako's voice] Hit us!
[22:31] GOBLIN: I will let you leave this cave, with your Barry Bluejeans, alive and unharmed, if you do me one small favor.
[22:42] TAAKO: Uhh, what is it?
[22:44] GOBLIN: I want you to depose our current employer ... whose name is Klarg.

The goblin -- whose name is Yeemick -- explains that he and a group of disgruntled gerblins want Klarg dead so that they can take control of the Cragmaw gang. He tells the party that Klarg can be found across the overpass, and when asked says he has no idea of Gundren's whereabouts. Although all three adventurers have their doubts as to Yeemick's loyalty, they have no choice but to yield to his demands.

[28:24] TRAVIS: So when we get back on the overpass, I'm gonna turn to Taako and Merle and say, "I don't trust this situation at --"
[28:29] TAAKO: Yeah, no shit!
[28:31] TRAVIS: Okay. Cool.
[28:33] TAAKO: Great job, Angela Landsbury. Don't know how you pieced that one together!

The group resolves to double-cross Yeemick after recovering Barry Bluejeans and sets off towards Klarg's lair.

They discover the mechanism that flooded the cave earlier, and sneak by several goblins as they find the entrance to another chamber. From within the room they can hear a deep, booming voice that sounds like a creature that might be known as Klaarg. The players creep closer to the room to see a large figure illuminated by a campfire as well as two goblins.

Enter the Hugbear Edit

Taako proposes a radical approach: why don't they not kill Klarg, and instead trade the information on Yeemick's betrayal for Barry Bluejeans? Surely the knowledge of a traitor would be worth Barry's life. Magnus and Merle agree, but the dwarf thinks that perhaps some shock and awe could tip the scales in their favor. Maybe Magnus's glowing axe could scare the gang boss into giving up his captive? The trio, feeling confident, burst into Klarg's chambers in a puff of visual magic and drawn weapons.

Unfortunately for the group, a wolf charges them immediately as they enter the room. Merle dodges the beast, and in a feat of barbaric inspiration, Magnus throws it into the campfire. Klarg is impressed. The players are impressed as well -- they've never seen anything like Klarg before. He is vaguely humanoid and musclebound, but covered in thick, fuzzy fur. He's also very, very upset.

[40:16] KLARG: YOU THREW MY WOLF IN THE FIRE! ... HE'S MY FAVORITE WOLF!
[40:25] MAGNUS: Then call him off or lose him forever.
[40:30] KLARG: OOOOH! BUT HE'S MY ... [sputtering] ... YOU THREW HIM IN THE FIRE!!!

The wolf scampers out of the fire, and unsuccessfully attacks Magnus. The goblins are a little more successful: an arrow pierces his arm, bringing him down to a measly two hit points.

Taako successfully casts Charm Person on Klarg, who orders his singed dog and his goblins to stand down. The gang boss offers the adventurers money and some delicious Oolong tea. Declining the offer [3], the adventurers explain the situation with Yeemick and his captive. Klarg is shocked by the allegations, but eventually trusts Taako's word and relents.

Klarg summons Yeemick to his office (using a Stone of Farspeech) as the adventurers quickly hide on either side of the door. Yeemick and the other goblins waste no time in attacking Klarg, who swiftly and effortlessly murders several traitorous goblins (including Yeemick, whom he crushes into the floor) with a little help from the party. The lucky few who survived ran in fear of Klarg's wrath.

"Boy, I wish I didn't need to murder them," Klarg says. He again offers them some tea, which the party accepts. Drinking Klarg's incredible brew levels up all three adventurers to level 2! The party collects some loot from the dead gerblins and takes all of Klarg's savings with them.

The bugbear reveals that the Cragmaw gang was contracted by a shady individual named the Black Spider to kidnap Gundren and deliver the dwarf to him. He says that he has no idea where the dwarf or the Black Spider is, and has no way to contact either of them.

Magnus hugs Klarg goodbye, and the party leaves, collecting Barry Bluejeans on their way out. After reviving Barry, the party resolves to exit the cave posthaste, before the spell on Klarg runs out.

[Episode Ends]

Featured NPCs Edit

Featured Locations Edit

Quotes Edit

On Yeemick Edit

[21:52] JUSTIN: But only I know that he said that, right?
[21:55] GRIFFIN: He's actually speaking in Common. So the three of you can understand it.
[21:57] JUSTIN: Does he look like Common?
[22:00] GRIFFIN: He looks exactly like Common. But --
[22:01] CLINT: Oh, that's a badass goblin. [assorted 'yeah's and agreement]
[22:04] GRIFFIN: Yeah, he looks super cool.

On Who Klarg Is Edit

[36:29] KLARG: I'M JOHN GOODMAN!

On Asses Edit

[40:59] JUSTIN: You got your ass in my dog!
[41:03] TRAVIS: You got your dog in my ass!
[41:04] KLAARG: I DON'T THINK MY DOG COULD FIT IN AN ASS.
[41:07] MAGNUS: You haven't seen this ass!
[41:09] TAAKO: I have!

References & Footnotes Edit

  1. The actual name of Klarg's cave, which is unnamed in the podcast but is named in the official adventure. http://d20.sabotender.com/5th/Supliments/Lost%20Mine%20of%20Phandelver.pdf
  2. Tom Arnold, of course, looks the most like a combination of John Goodman and John Stamos.
  3. Which seems out of character for Taako.

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