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Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.

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Griffin McElroy: Previously, on The Adventure Zone:

[background music begins playing]

Travis McElroy: I'm playing a human fighter named Magnus Burnsides.

Griffin: I love that.

Justin McElroy: I-- I'm playing, uh, a wizard--

Griffin: 'kay.

Justin: Uh--  His name i-- is spelled T-A-A-K-O.

Griffin: Are you naming your god-damn wizard Taako?

[laughing]

Justin: His name is Taako.  

Griffin: Daddy, what are you, uh, you're a cleric, right?

Clint McElroy: [talking over Griffin]  I'm a--  I'm a dwarf cleric--

Griffin: 'Kay.

Clint: Named Merle Highchurch...

Griffin: Over drinks one night with Gundren Rockseeker, he has to offer you what he calls the last job you'll ever need to take.

Griffin: So he has asked the three of you to escort a supply wagon to the town of Phandalin--

Clint: Okay.

Griffin: With a, uh, a fighter escort, named--  Barry Bluejeans. Uh. [laughter]

Griffin: They are two dead horses... lying in the middle of the road.  

Travis: Seems fine. [laughter]

Travis: Doesn't seem strange at all!

Griffin: So you follow these drag-marks, uh, down the trail... to the mouth of a cave.

Griffin: From the back of a hallway that Travis just ran up very valiantly, you hear the, the tell-tale sound of rushing water.  

Travis: Tits.

[laughter]

Griffin: Uh, both of you get flushed, uh--

Travis: Ah, no!

Griffin: In the torrent--

Clint: [making burbling water noises]

Griffin: Of, of water.

Gerblin: Did we get 'em?

Travis: Answer in goblin, Taako.

Taako: I got too horny from the killing, and I-- I uh, and I’m jerking--

[Travis laughing]

Gerblin: Ah, Jesus, not again.
Taako: Don't come in here.  It's private.

[intro music begins]

Announcer: What otherworldly horrors will the McElroys face this week?  Let's find out together... in The Adventure Zone! [intro music plays]

Griffin: [talking over the last notes of the intro music] So the three of you uh-- have, have, uh...  You have regrouped at the mouth of this cave where, uh, Merle and, and Magnus just got flushed to...  Taako, you just sauntered back to the mouth of the cave to rest up.  Uh, I imagine you'll want to take a short rest to recover those precious HP's that you lost...   Uhhm...  Especially you, uh, Merle, if my math is right, you're like--

Clint: One.

Griffin: You're one years old.

Clint: I have one point--

Travis: [talking over Clint] Yeah let's rest up.

Clint: One life point.

Griffin: Uhhm.  So you guys are gonna take a short rest, and, and the way that you do that, uhhm, is...  You roll your hit die, which should be on your character sheet somewhere.  Uh, you basically spend a hit die to, to roll whatever your die is, it'll be a d...  6...  Taako I think you have a d6.  You'll roll that.

Travis: [interrupting] I have a d10.

Griffin: You have a d10?  Oh wow. Okay.  So you--

Travis: I want to say it's because I'm a human or a warrior, it's one of those--

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: It’s a d10.

Griffin: So you roll that, uh, you add your, your Constitution modifier, and that's how many hit points you get back.  

Travis: I mean, I - I gained back thirteen, but I'm only down three, so...  I guess I just go back up to -

Griffin: [sound of a die hitting the table as he's talking]  Did you roll a critical ten?

Travis: I did.  

Griffin: Okay.  Good - good work.  

Clint: Hmm.

Griffin: Merle -

Clint: Interesting.

Clint: I rolled -

Travis: [talking over Clint, making both of them nearly unintelligible] I'm wondering -

Travis: Should I be like, [laughing] documenting these things -

Clint: [raising his voice to speak over Travis] Yes!

Travis: [still laughing] Because I feel like you guys never believe me -

Griffin: [talking over Travis] You, I, I mean I'm just saying you've rolled extremely well, I can't see what you're doing, and -

Clint: [talking loudly, leaving the rest of Griffin's words unintelligible] You rolled nothing but twenties last time.

Griffin: Yeah. [pause]

Travis: Well, I'm rolling into the cardboard box.

Clint: [speaking over Travis] Oh.  

Travis: I don't know if that helps.

Griffin: Alright--

Clint: I rolled an eight, plus two Constitution, so I recovered ten.  

Griffin: Cool.  And Taako, I don't think you've taken any damage, have you?

Justin: I have not taken any damage, so I'm just getting some, I'm just getting my, my grounding.  

Travis: [chuckling] Just some R&R.

Clint: Are we not gonna get the Taako [laughing] voice this episode?

Griffin: Uhhm, uh, we actually got a lot of complaints about the Taako voice.

Clint: [laughing]  Oh no!

Justin: Oh no, really?

Griffin: It was -  People said it was like really racist.  And I don't know which - Griffin and Justin: [in unison] Race -

Griffin: It just sounded -  

Justin: Yeah.

Griffin: It sounded like the kind of thing that would be racist.

Justin: Well we'll see how the reaction is -

Clint: [speaking over Justin] People are so Elvish.

Justin: I'll probably go in and out of it.  But I also wasn't -  I'm talking -  I'm not talking to you guys.  I'm talking... to Griffin, which is like God. I'm like praying -    

Travis: Hmm, no I gotcha.  

Justin: And in my -  When I pray I don't have an accent.  

Travis: [interrupting] Is Taako there?  Can we talk to Taako? [Clint and Justin laughing]

Griffin: So you guys are, you're healthier.  Uhm, I don't know what your -  I'm not going to keep track of your HP, because honestly I couldn't give a shit, uhm, but, but we'll just assume that you're, you're right as rain.  Uh, Dad -

Justin: Uh, Griffin, I have a prob - uh, question.  

Griffin: [interrupting] Yeah?

Justin: Do we get like, experience?

Griffin: Yeah, I'll - I mean, I'm keeping track of that.  Y'all are -  Y'all are about halfway to level two.

Justin: Sweet!

Griffin:  Uhm, and you're gonna get a lot of great stuff, and you're gonna love it.  And you're gonna be better people, because of it.

Justin: Mm delectable.

Griffin: Uhm, so, so you guys get the impression that you probably shouldn't wait too long, because they are going to notice that, that one goblin is missing.  You watch him very lazily float down [laughing] the river, super dead, by you.  He's moving at a snail's pace. Uh -

Travis: It’s like Poohsticks!  

Griffin: Comically, comically slow.  Uh, so, so you guys have recovered, and, and I'm assuming you want to make your way back into the cave.  You can go back to town, you can do whatever the fuck you want to do.

Clint: [talking over Griffin] I say we -

Clint: I say we go join... Taako up on that overpass -

Taako: [talking over Clint] Come on up.

Clint: 'Cause that's gonna put us at a higher elevation.

Griffin: Okay, both of you -

Taako: [talking over Griffin] Come on--

Griffin: Uh -  No, please say the thing that you were gonna say.

Justin: Okay, let me say the thing -

Taako: Come on up!

[Clint laughing]

Griffin: Now why does that sound funny?  

Justin: [talking at the same time as Griffin] Because of the character!

Griffin: [talking at the same time as Justin] Because of the racism?

[laughter]

Justin: There’s no racism!

Griffin: Uhhm, alright, Merle and Magnus you guys can make a, make a - Uh, it's a, it's, it would be an Athletics check? Just to get up this rope.  It would be a very low check though.

Clint: Okay, so -

Travis: [interrupting] I rolled an eight.

Clint: Am I rolling an eight again?  

Griffin: [talking at the same time as Clint] What are -

Clint: What am I rolling, a twenty?  

Griffin: You're rolling a twenty.  Whenever you do a skill check it's always a twenty.

Clint: Okay, and then I add to it what?

Griffin: Your Athletics bonus.  Which is on your sheet. [sound of a die rolling]

Clint: Okay, I rolled a twenty.

Griffin: [talking over Clint] Okay.

Clint: And a four.

Justin: Oh my God.

Clint: Twenty-four.

Griffin: You - you - you hover, just like -

[laughter]

Griffin: You were at the bottom of the thing, and then you were like, at the top of the thing.  And pe - everyone got super scared.  'Cause that shouldn't happen like that. [Clint laughing] Uhh, Travis, you rolled an eight?

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: Yeah, you got up there.  You weren't as effortless - In fact, it took you thirty-five minutes to get up the rope.

[laughter]

Griffin: It was embarrassing.  It was like the first episode of The Biggest Loser.  

Travis: It's like gym class.  

[Griffin and Travis talking over each other, unintelligible]

Travis: Everybody’s at the bottom going like “Just give up!”

[Clint laughing]

Griffin: You'll never do it.  But you do make it to the top, and, uh, everyone's really proud of you.  

Clint: Yaay!

Griffin: Not as proud as [laughs] Dad, who just sort of displaced himself to the top of the -

Justin: [laughing] I was very proud of him.

Clint: Yeah, let's remember that.

[pause]

Griffin: Uhhm, so - so - from -

Justin: [interrupting] I look around!

Griffin: Uhh, well I mean, you have two directions, it's a bridge, uhhm... From, from one direction you hear the, sound of, uh, rushing water, and that's about all that you can hear coming from that end. It's louder than the, um, louder than the stream that's below. Uh, the stream, by the way, has actually started to, uh, dry up a little bit, since the initial flood. Uh, and, and the water that you hear coming from one end sounds more like a, a waterfall or something along those lines.

Justin: Hmm.

Griffin: From the other end, um, you hear some low voices talking; the smell of, uh, roasting meats, that's -

Travis: Mmm!

Griffin: That you might consider delicious -

Clint: Or you might consider our buddies.

Griffin: [chuckling] Or you might consider friends.  

Travis: Listen, Magnus doesn't judge.

Griffin: So yeah, you have - you have two directions.

Taako: I say we head towards the meat.

[laughing]

Travis: If there's one thing I know about Magnus, he loves a majestic waterfall.

Justin: Uh, now the - the decision -

Clint: Uh, if I'm the tie-breaker, I say we go investigate the - the meat, the smell and the voices.

Griffin: How do you wanna do this?

Justin: Uhh, who's the sneakiest of us?

Griffin: You see the - going down that sort of, uh, uh hallway, it, it stretches in about, uh, I-I mean it's a cave, not a man-made thing. But it goes in the, the channel there goes in about twenty feet. Uh, and you see some light, some dim fire - firelight coming from there. And you can definitely hear some voices -

Clint: [talking over Griffin] I - I say whichever one of us has night-vision, Taako or -

Justin: Oh yeah, I -  [switches to Taako voice mid-sentence]

Taako: I'll go, uh, take a look.

Griffin: [talking over Justin/Taako]  I think both of you - Both of you do except for Magnus.

Travis: Nope, and I've also got Stealth Disadvantage!  [sing-song voice] Clunk clunk clunk clunk clunk!

Taako: [laughing] I'll take - I'll go take a look!

Clint: I have Stealth Disadvantage too.  What's your stealth?

Justin, in Taako voice: Good. Stay quiet.


Travis: Not bad!

Taako: Not bad, it says!

Clint: Plus two.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin, in Taako voice: Plus two!

Merle: Taako, would you go investigate?
Taako: Gladly.

Griffin: By him -  So you're, you're sending him up by himself while the two of you hang back on the bridge? [pause]

Travis: I - I -

Taako: Yeah, I'll be - It'll be better by myself.

Clint: [talking over Taako] Well yeah, because if we're trying to be stealthy, it's always better to have smaller numbers.

Griffin: Okay. So if you're gonna have a Stealth check—I'm guessing just to move to the end of this channel and just sort of peek - peek around the corner to get an idea of what's going on in this room—you'll make a Stealth check, and I will contest it with a Perception check.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: So we roll, and then whoever wins, wins the -

Justin: [talking over Griffin] Okay.

Griffin: The contest.

Justin: So I roll... uh, nineteen! [sound of a die rolling]

Clint: Add two plus your stealth.

Justin: Oh. So twenty-one.

Griffin: Okay.  You, you manage to soundly, uh, beat them.

Clint: [quietly] Stealth!

Griffin: You - You, uh, you look around the corner into this room. You see, uh, a fairly large chamber that is sort of split into, uh, two sections. There's a sort of a ground level where, uh, you see three goblins - gerblins - Uh, all sitting around a fireplace, roasting, uh, the leg of something—it's bestial in nature, it's not like a dude - not like a dude foot or something.

[giggling]

Griffin: Um - And then -

Justin: [interrupting] This room that I'm in -

[pause]

Griffin: Yeah.

Justin: Would you say it's spooky... or beautiful -

Griffin: [talking over Justin] Uhhm, it's -

Justin: Or beautifully spooky -

Griffin: [interrupting] If you -

Justin: Or spookily beautiful?

Griffin: If you were a gerblin, you would actually find it like a pretty chill den, to like, throw out in.

Travis: [talking over Griffin] So is this like the break-room?

Griffin: It - yeah, it - Yeah, it's the -

[laughter]

Griffin: It's the gerblin break-room.

Travis: There's some - There's some like, OSHA posters up.  Something like, 'Make sure to wash your hands, it's cold and flu season!'

Justin: Ugh, Danny's been microwaving mutton in here, gross!

[laughter]

Clint: Alright what's the second - What's the second -

Griffin: [talking over Clint] Uh, so then there's a sort of natural stone staircase leading up to, uh, uh, an escarpment -  a stage, about ten feet off the ground.  It's not an actual stage, but, uh, there, there is a second level—a loft, if you will—in this room. And up there you see, uh, another goblin that's just sort of, uh, sitting around, rummaging through a crate. Uh, and next to him, almost on the edge of this stage, you see, uh, an unconscious human man.  

Clint: Okay.

[pause]

Griffin: Uh, and the three goblins are, are talking to each other, dickin' around. Uh, the goblin that's up on the stage is just sort of ignoring them and rummaging through this crate.

Clint: Do we have access to that stage?  I mean, is there -

Griffin: [talking over Clint] There is a - there is a natural staircase that's leading up onto it, yeah.

Justin: I have a question. Is the, is the room—I'm trying to visualize it—is the room such that if we were to interact with the goblins on one of the levels, the other ones would definitely be like, be aware of what we were doing?

Griffin: Oh, sure, yeah yeah, they are not that far away.

Travis: Is it - Is it lit by anything but the campfire?

Griffin: Uh, there are some, there are some, uh, torches on the wall. Fatty torches. You know, those torches that are like, they have like fat, that burns from the top of it -

Travis: [interrupting] No, I got you.

Justin: So, just to - How many gerblins are, are -

Clint: [interrupting] Three on the floor -

Griffin: Three on the floor -

Clint: One up with the captor. Captive.

Justin: Oh, what's the captive?

Griffin: There's a sleeping human man.

Justin: Ooh!

Clint: Now is that on the level above us, or below us?

Justin: Now see, what celebrity does he most resemble?

Travis: Good question!

Griffin: He - looks - a lot - like...

[pause]

Clint: [whispering] Say John Goodman!

Griffin: John... No.

Clint: [whispering] Say John Goodman.

Travis: Say John Stamos!

Griffin: He looks a lot like Tom Arnold.

[laughter]

Clint: So John Goodman!

Travis: [talking over Clint] Well it's, actually, that's the exact middle [laughing] between John Stamos and John Goodman!

[laughter]

Griffin: That's the median - That's the mean of John Goodman and John Stamos.  Um...  So yeah. Please don't make me describe any more shit in this room.

Justin: Okay.

Clint: Wait, wait, so I just want to know. You said -  So we have access from where we are, in that passageway, to that stage area, right?

Griffin: The passageway opens up onto the... floor level. Then there is a, a uh, slope that leads up onto the stage.

Clint: Okay.

Travis: So I assume - Has Taako come back and relayed all of this to us?

Griffin: I mean, he would have to -

Justin: It's up to Taako.

Griffin: Yeah.  Yeah.

Justin: You gotta let Taako be Taako.

Griffin: You guys - so, whenever I am explaining a scene like this, where one of you has split off, the others - You guys need to understand, you don't possess this knowledge.

Travis: Gotcha.

Griffin: Right?  You can't rush in there and like, blindly, like, throw a shot at a character that you don't know is there, but Taako does.

Justin: Okay.

Clint: Gotcha.

Justin: I'll wave them over.

Griffin: Okay. They are going to, uh -

Travis: [talking over Griffin] We're not so stealthy!

Griffin: They are also gonna need to make Stealth checks.

[pause]

Griffin: 'kay?

Justin: That's fine.

[laughter]

Clint: Alright.

Travis: Puttin' a lot of faith in us, here!

Clint: Seventeen on mine.

Griffin: Well you have disadvantage -

Travis: [talking over Griffin] You're at stealth disadvantage, yeah.

Griffin: So you need to roll again and use the lower result.

[sound of a die rolling]

Clint: Okay. [sound of a die rolling]

Clint: Eleven.

Griffin: 'kay.

Travis: Ten, was my lower.

Griffin: Okay.  Uh, you actually all three manage to beat—uh, I'm using my original check, which was not so great—uh, so you all three manage to beat it.  The three of you are sort of on this uh, the precipice of this room -

Justin: Now, okay.  So, since we have the drop on these guys right now -

Griffin: [talking over Justin] Yeah.

Justin: Do we still have to roll for Initiative?

Griffin: Uh, so you do, but, in a scenario like this, you can get what's called a surprise round.  Where—when you can actually manage to do what you guys have done, which isn't easy—you get to take a round of combat—uh, everybody who has, uh, surprise—gets to take a round of combat before the regular, like, combat order begins.

Travis: So here's what I would like to do.  

Griffin: 'kay.

Travis: I have an idea.  And I motion to Taako—I use, uh, i-intricate hand signals to relay that what I want to do—is I wanna rush in, past the goblins on the floor, to underneath the edge of this stage thing... [pause]  And see if I can get in position where he could Mage Hand the human off the edge and let me catch him.

Griffin: I think Mage Hand can only interact with about ten pounds.  And, um -

Justin: [talking over Griffin] Yes.

Griffin: Tom Arnold, as you guys can probably intuit -

Justin: [talking over Griffin] More than that.

Travis: Uh-huh.

Griffin: Weights significantly, sig - I don't wanna call the dude overweight -

Clint: [talking over Griffin] No.

Griffin: 'Cause it seems like he works really hard to maintain - [pause] that...

Clint: And he did look good on 'Running Wild with Bear Grylls.'

Griffin: He looked amazing on 'Running Wild with Bear Grylls.'

Clint: I - I have a slight amendment.  I think Travis's plan is good, but how 'bout if we attack the guys on the floor, giving him a chance to...

Justin: My only worry is - My only worry is that if we don't eliminate the - the guy holding Tom Arnold prisoner, that he might do s - I don't know what the situation is there -

Travis: [talking over Justin] Yeah, we got a hostage -

Justin: I don't, I don't want him to take a shot at Tom Arnold, or have Tom Arnold as a bargaining chip.

Clint: If I go first, if I attack, and distract them, giving Travis a chance to get there in one move -

Justin: [interrupting] Why don't I just shoot the guy holding Tom Arnold prisoner with Magic Missile? [pause]

Clint: There you go!  That works too! [laughter]

Justin: How about I’m just gonna shoot him with Magic Missile now?

Travis: All in all, I like all three parts of this plan. Taako, Magic Missile. Merle, guys on ground.  I'm gonna run up to the precipice.  

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: [talking over Griffin] Perfect.  

Griffin: Uh, I want the three of you to go ahead and roll Initiative then, and we can get into it.

[sound of a die rolling]

Clint: Alright.

[sound of a die rolling]

Travis: Mine is -

Justin: [talking over] Eleven.

Travis: Nineteen.

Clint: [chuckling] Mine is zero.  

Griffin: You rolled a...

Clint: Rolled a one!  

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: [talking over Griffin] With a minus one Initiative.

[sound of a die rolling]

Justin: [laughing] Dad's like myself after - right after I graduated college.  

Travis: [laughing] Dad - What we don't know about Merle is, he has, uh, narcolepsy [laughter]—we just look back and he's sleeping.

Griffin: Uhh, okay -

Justin: [interrupting] Is Merle holding a bong? [laughter] Is that a bong?

Travis: Merle, put down the burrito!

Griffin: Top of the order is... Magnus.  What would you like to do?

Travis: Um, so, in this surprise round... [pause] I can wait and let the two of them go first, and then do my action?

Griffin: Uhh, so if you do that, you are permanently moving yourself back in the order.  

Travis: Oh, really? It's not just for the first round?

Griffin: Right. There is an established order of, of play now.  If you wanna delay your turn you can do that and pop it back in wherever it is, but then that's just where you are from that point on.

Travis: Okay. Well, I guess since we're on a surprise round I'm not worried about them doing anything. I'm just gonna run for the precipice.

Clint: But we have surprise. Why don't you move yourself back in the order like he said, Trav, and let the two of us... do - You know, launch Magic Missile and let me attack the guys, and then you'll be able -

Justin: [talking over Clint] If I can eliminate that guy with Magic Missile,  you may not even have to worry about Tom.

[pause]

Travis: Okay, fair.  Yeah, I'm gonna let Taako go first.

Justin: Okay.

[pause]

Travis: So I do a very polite, like, 'after you' gesture.

Griffin: Um, so who the fuck is going, and please do it.

Justin: [talking over Griffin] I - I'm going, and I'm using Magic Missile.  

Griffin: Okay. So you sweep around the corner and levee a shot - Magic Missile, you don't actually need to attack with that, right? You're just burning a spell slot to use it?

Justin: Uhh... I create three glowing darts. Each dart hits a creature of your choice within range, that you can see. A dart deals 1d4 plus one force damage to its target.

Griffin: [talking over Justin] Okay.

Justin: They all strike simultaneously, and I can direct them to hit one creature or several. I'm gonna have them - all three of them hit the fool holding Tom Arnold prisoner. 'Cause I don't fuckin' cotton to that.  

Clint: Yeah!

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: You lay off of Mr. Stupid!

Justin: Listen, here's the amounts: four, two, two.

Griffin: Alright, so eight damage.

Justin: Yeah.

Griffin: Okay.  Uhh, he is - Consider him surprised.

[laughter]

Clint: Yeah!

Griffin: Uhh, he immediately stops what he's doing - Clearly, 'cause you just knocked him back a bit. Uhh, and he rallies and gets up on his feet, and yells something in Goblin-ish. You - uh, you speak Goblin, right, Taako?

Justin: Yeah, what does he say?

Griffin: He says, uh…

Gerblin: Ow!

Griffin: So, uh...

[laughter]

Clint: Quite the wordsmith, our little goblin!

Griffin: Uhh, so uh, yeah. Who's next?

Travis: Well I'll go.

Clint: [hurriedly talking over Travis] Well wait a minute, wait a minute. That didn't kill him?

Justin and Travis: No.

Justin: He's not dead.

[pause]

Travis: Uhhm, but since I can't get up on the stage - I'm gonna shoot it with my short-bow.

Clint: [talking over Travis] Okay. Alright.

Travis: So same dude.

Griffin: Okay. [sound of a die rolling]

Travis: Uh, crit twenty!

Griffin: Holy shit. Really?

[Clint laughing]

Travis: Yeah! I'm really good at D&D!

Griffin: Okay.

Clint: [talking over Griffin] Yeah! Got those all-twenty dice I see.

Griffin: Uhhm, so on a crit - This is our first crit attack, I believe. Uhh, you basically roll your damage dice twice.  

Travis: Oh! Terrif! [sound of a die rolling] But I don't get the automatic, like -

Griffin: [interrupting] No.

Travis: [quietly] Okay, great.

Griffin: And you add your modifier, but you only do that once.

Travis: Okay.  So I just need to - If it's 1d6 plus two, I'm gonna roll 1d6 twice.

Griffin: Yeah.

[sound of a die rolling]

Travis: So three... [sound of a die rolling] and six, plus two... So eleven.

Griffin: Eleven?

Travis: Yeah.

Griffin: Okay.  He, uhh, he... falls over the edge and dies.

Travis: Yeeaah!

Clint: Alright. I'm going after the guys on the floor. I'm going after the one on the left, the one that was, uh, eating... off the haunch.

Griffin: Yeah yeah yeah. Well I mean it was, it was on the spit, so-

Clint: [talking over Griffin] Well he was reachin' for it!

Griffin: [talking over Clint]  Yeah yeah yeah.

Clint: He was reachin' for it!

Griffin: [talking over Clint] Yeah.

Clint: The greedy bastard.

Griffin: He's got a powerful hunger.

Clint: Greedy, greedy bastard. And I'm going after him with my war-hammer.

Griffin: Okay.

[sound of a die rolling]

Clint: So that's seventeen.

Griffin: Okay, yeah, that's a hit.

Clint: Okay, and then I roll for how much damage? With an eight, correct?

Justin: Whatever it says there on the sheet.

[someone ‘ugh’s]

Clint: Well, I did three.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: What happens, Griffin?

Griffin: Uhh, he is, he is, uhh, fazed - He is not unfazed by that. He uh, takes the hit, and immediately sort of stands back up.  And he's a little bit imposing now.  

Justin: [talking over Griffin] Oh my.

Griffin: 'Cause you know - This is, I think, the first time you haven't one-hit-killed somebody, so, uhh, [chuckling] you don't know what's gonna happen next. One of you might be attacked. Wouldn't that be novel.

Travis: What?

Griffin: Uhh -

Clint: [interrupting] Gee, I wonder who that's gonna be.  [loudly] The guy that made him drop the haunch, maybe?

Griffin: Maybe. Uhh -

Travis: [in a deep voice] My haunch!

[laughter]

Justin: It was the best haunch!

Travis: Aww, man!

Justin: I have so, I have so few pleasures in life!

[laughter]

Travis: That was my grandfather's haunch! He gave it to me!

Griffin: [laughs]  Uhh, we're moving back to the top of the order. It's actually the goblins' turn, since Travis delayed. Uh, there are -

Travis: [talking over Griffin] What did they... [unintelligible]

Griffin: Three goblins. Um, the one that actually did just take that hit is going to swing right back at you, uh, Merle -

Clint: [talking over Griffin] Yeah, hmmm.

Griffin: And they are going to [sound of a die rolling] roll ...fuckin' clown shoes. [pause] Nine? Is that gonna do it?

[pause]

Clint: I have an Armor Class of eighteen.  

Griffin: [talking over Clint] So -

Travis: So no.  

Griffin: And that's half of it, so clearly not. [laughter] Um, okay yeah, they, uh, their attack is buffeted away by your, your heavy hide. Uhh -  

Clint: Yeah. Grrrr.

Griffin: One of them is going to, uh, rush at Magnus, and uh, try and attack him. [sound of a die rolling] That is a nineteen plus - that's a twenty-three.

Taako: Dang.

Travis: Yeah, that's gonna hit.

Taako voice: Ow.

Griffin: And they do... [sound of a die rolling] Four plus two... They do six slashing damage.

[pause]

Travis: Six slashing damage, you say...

Griffin: One of the other goblins is going to try and scurry up the wall towards Tom Arnold. [sound of a die rolling]

Justin: [whispering] No.

Griffin: A fifteen, plus their - What would that be?

Justin: I don't think you need to tell us these rolls; I think that kind of ruins the illusion.

Griffin: Okay. He scurries up the wall towards Tom Arnold. Uhh, and grabs him by the scruff of the neck and hangs him over the, the edge of the stage. And says -

Gerblin: Put your weapons down.

Justin: Damn it.

Griffin: [at the same time as Justin] ...This goblin’s actually -

Justin: [at the same time as Griffin] But only I know that he said that, right?

Griffin: He's actually speaking in Common, so the three of you can understand it.

Justin: Whoa. Does he look like Common?

Griffin: He looks exactly like Common. But -

Clint: [interrupting] Well that's a bad-ass goblin, right there.

Travis: Gotcha.

Griffin: He looks super cool. He says, and -

Gerblin: The three of you strike me as... businessmen. Is that a fair assumption?

Griffin: He sounds like Kelsey Grammar. And he looks like Common. He's a - one hell of a goblin.

Taako: [laughing] I love business.
Gerblin: I don't think anybody in this room wants to get stabbed any more than we already have. [laughter] I have a, a proposition for you.

Justin: Uh, okay.

Taako: Hit us!
Gerblin: I will let you leave this cave, with your Barry Bluejeans, alive and unharmed, if you do me one small favor.
Taako: Eh, what is it?
Gerblin: I want you to depose our current employer, whose name is Klaaaarghh...

[laughter]

Griffin: He says -

Gerblin: I want you to help me help you help me.

Travis: [talking over Griffin] What will it take to get you to murder my boss today.

Gerblin: I need you to murder Klarg for me. And I know you're wondering, 'What's in it for me?' I've already told you this, it is Barry Bluejeans. I will give you Barry Bluejeans alive and well.

Justin: I - I ask the other two, uh, people in the group if they have any idea who Barry Bluejeans is, or care.

Travis: I'm almost certain he was, uh, what's-his-face's buddy.

Clint: He was. That was the mercenary he hired.

Justin: Okay. Ohhh. Right, right.

Clint: So he's a mercenary.

Griffin: Uh -

Magnus: Now, excuse me, sir. Goblin, sir.
Gerblin: Yes!
Magnus: What - Why -
Gerblin: [interrupting] I'm sorry, what is your name? I, I - How rude of me!
Magnus: Uh, Magnus Burnsides, 'The Hammer.'
Gerblin: Wh - The - Now, hold on.
Magnus: [laughing] I picked up a nickname since last week.

[Clint laughing]

Gerblin: In this cave, you picked up a nickname. In the cave.
Magnus: No. I just remembered it, from a long time ago. Like a - [laughter] Flashback.
Gerblin: Fantastic. Uhh, yes -
Magnus: [interrupting] And what is your name, sir?
Merle: My name - My name is, of course -
Magnus: No, not you!
Merle: [talking over Magnus] Oh, sorry.
Magnus: [talking over Merle] I know your name.
Gerblin: [talking over Magnus] You can call me-- You can call me Yeemick.
Merle: Yeemick?
Yeemick: Yeemick, the gerblin.
Magnus: Yeemick, why - Why do you want us to depose Klarg? Is it a power grab?
Yeemick: Uhh, let's call him a new hire? A tr - A transfer from, uh...
Merle: [chuckling] The home office?
Yeemick: The home office, yes.

Griffin: Uhh...

Yeemick: Let's just say that there are certain gerblins, in - in this uh, in this institution, who are not Klarg's biggest fan.

Griffin: And the other two goblins on the floor are like:

Goblin(s): Yeah, fuck that guy. For real though. For real though.

Magnus: [talking over Goblins] Cool, cool.
Taako: Uhh, I have a question. I hate to interrupt.

[pause]

Yeemick: Yes?
Taako: Is it far away?

[pause]

Yeemick: Oh, no, it's - it's in this very cave. Uhh, in a—in a lofty antechamber.
Magnus: [interrupting] Wh - where were you educated, sir? You are very well-spoken.
Yeemick: I went to Harvard.

[laughter]

Magnus: Excellent.

Justin: Fuckin' patronizing. He's gonna see right through that -

Travis: [talking over Justin] No, I'm respectful!

Yeemick: On the - on the other side, we could continue this fight, and I will drop Barry Bluejeans to his death.
Magnus: I - Frankly, I see this as win-win for everyone.
Yeemick: I agree whole-heartedly.

Justin: [laughing] Especially Barry!

Magnus: [chuckling] Especially Barry. It seems like you get what you want, and we'll get what we want.

Griffin: You can see, uh, Barry Bluejeans, now that he's sort of holding him over the edge, you can see him illuminated by the fire a little bit. And he - he is just -

Clint: [talking over Griffin] Is he alive?

Griffin: He is breathing, but he is beat to shit.

[mic static, followed by a sigh from Justin]

Griffin: He - he, uh, he looks real messed up.

Taako: I just don't see what we get out of this.
Magnus: Well, it's what we were gonna do anyways, right? We were gonna take out the - the Boss Man, and... Uh, and we, it seems like we -
Taako: [interrupting] I thought we were just delivering something!
Magnus: But we need Barry Bluejeans to find out what happened to the other dude!
Yeemick: [talking over Magnus] You do need -
Magnus: [talking over Yeemick] Oh that's-
Yeemick: Everyone - Everyone needs a Barry Bluejeans.

[laughter]

Merle: Alright, I say we agree to his terms.
Taako: Oh… ohhh eurgh...
Magnus: But first, before we agree to anything, I am gonna need [chuckling] Barry Bluejeans brought back over -
Merle: [interrupting] Yeah.
Magnus: - the edge. I need some - some indication that this is not a trap.

[pause]

Yeemick: I pr - I'm not going to murder Barry Bluejeans.
Taako: [talking over Yeemick] Pull him back over -
Yeemick: Unless--
Taako (Justin voice): [interrupting] Pull him back from over the edge, and we can talk about this.
Merle: And will he be of any use in our, you know, our efforts against Klaaarg?

Justin: Not at this point.

Griffin: Oh, he's not - he's not in scrappin' shape yeah. He's, umm -

Merle: [interrupting] Well then, just leave him on the stage there and come on down and join us, big fella!

Griffin: He rests him on the edge of the stage. He's no longer hanging over it, but he is, he is right there. He could be kicked over fairly easily.

Magnus: What happened to Barry's traveling companion?
Yeemick: Uhh... I wouldn't [laughing] know anything about that.

[laughter]

Yeemick: I'm pretty sure he was alone. Riding two horses, astride two horses. He's a mountain of a man, as you can tell.

Clint: Okay. Alright. Now, now, Dungeon Master -

Griffin: Yeah.

Clint: Do I need to heal Taako, or will we rest and he will naturally heal?

Justin: I'm not hurt.

Travis: No, I'm hurt. I'm good.

Clint: I meant - I meant, I meant, uh, Magnus.

Travis: No, I'll be fine.

Griffin: It's up to you guys. If Magnus spent his hit dice, he probably doesn't have any more. I don't know - You can spend one of your, your spell slots to heal him, if you wanna do that.

Clint: What do you say, big fella? You okay?

Travis: Yeah, I'm - I'm good.

Clint: Alright, screw it.

Magnus: Uhhm... Yeemaw? Meemaw?
Yeemick: [talking over Magnus] Uh, Yeemick.
Magnus: What was his name?

Clint: Meemaw!

Yeemick: Yeemick.
Magnus: Yeemick. Um, may we rest by your fire and partake of some of this delicious looking haunch [Clint laughing] before we move on to kill Klarg?
Yeemick: No. I am going to need you to, ah, to get this show on the road, as they say. As we say at Harvard.

[pause]

Merle: I brought Haunch Helper!
Magnus: What's in the box?
Yeemick: Uhh, stuff. Go fucking kill Klarg.

[laughter]

Merle: Alright, where do we go?

Griffin: Uhh -

Yeemick: Oh. You can find him across the overpass. We had that overpass put in, uh, earlier this year in a little bit of cave renovation. It's quite nice, don't you think?

Justin: Alright, fine, let's go.

Merle/Clint: I say we go back over the overpass -

Justin: [talking over Clint] Yeah -

Merle/Clint: Into the other chamber -

Justin: [talking over Clint] Yep.

Merle/Clint: Where we heard the waterfall. Maybe we'll have an angle on him.

Justin: Sure. That's what we're talking about, right?

Travis: Selling it.

Griffin: Okay.

Yeemick: Goodbye! Have fun! [pause] Have fun! Bring me his head.

[pause]

Travis: So when we get back on the overpass...

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: I'm gonna turn to Taako and Merle and say,

Magnus: I don't trust this situation.
Taako: Yeah, no shit!

[laughter]

Magnus: Okay, cool. I just wanted to make sure we're all on the same page -
Taako: [talking over Magnus] Great job, Angela Lansbury! [laughter] I don't know how you pieced that one together; he seemed so nice! [Clint laughing] Really Columbo-d that, that one.
Magnus: Is there some way for us to kill both Klarg and this dude -
Merle: [interrupting] Oh yeah, we're going to.
Taako: Yeah, my dude we're killing everybody.

Travis: [talking over Taako] Okay, cool.

Merle: [talking over Taako] Totally.
Taako: I thought that was implied!

Travis: [talking over Taako] Okay, great. Listen, Magnus -

Taako: I hope we hit level two by killing the other guy -
Merle: [talking over Taako] Soon as - soon as he turns - soon as Y - M - Neemawk turns his back -
Griffin (Yeemick voice): [shouting over Clint] Yeemick!

Clint: Yeah, whatever!

[laughter]

Justin: [laughing] Did he hear that?

Merle: [laughing] We're gonna snuff him.
Griffin (muffled Yeemick voice): It's Yeemick!

Travis: [talking over Griffin] Okay, cool.

Clint: The voice of god [laughing] just yelled his name.

Griffin (goofy Daws Butler-esque voice): [talking over Clint] Stop talking about murdering me!

[laughter]

Travis: Listen, Magnus is all about - Magnus is about action, not planning.

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: You point me -

Clint: [talking over Travis] Well, thank god you've got us.

Travis: I am brute force. I am a blunt weapon. You point me in the direction.

Justin: Let's go in that other room and go kill -

Clint: [interrupting] Alright. The direction of the waterfall. Go.

[Adventure Zone music plays as a divider, no dialogue]

Griffin: Uh, you guys move across the overpass - You move through a large chamber... Uh, you are on a, a ledge fairly high up on this chamber, and you look down and you can see, uh, uh... Two sort of, uh, man-made pools of water, uh, that are, uhhh, basically built out of giant towers of logs that are sort of arranged into walls, that are damming up where the waterfall is coming from. Uh, and then you see on the front of each pool—uh, they are sort of back-to-back—uh, a gate. And you think that that gate is what was dropped, and flooded the, uh... flooded the cave earlier. Um.

Travis: [talking over Griffin] Gotcha.

Griffin: So you count your lucky stars that they didn't drop the second gate on you, uh, and flush you out again. Uh, you see a couple of goblins down there, but they are, uh, sort of busy repairing the, the first gate that they dropped to flood you guys out, and they don't really see you. Uhhm, so you can continue on, if you want, unless you would want to like, jump down there and murder them too. Um -

Clint: [interrupting] How far is it down there?

Griffin: Uh, it's about, uh, it's about fifteen feet down.

Travis: I'm good continuing on.

Justin: Yeah, let's just move on - I don't wanna -

Griffin: Okay. Uh, you keep, uh, sort of creeping along the edge, and uh, you come to the entrance of, uh, another chamber. Um, you can't see especially far inside unless you get a little bit closer, uh, but you hear a deep baritone voice shouting orders. Uh...

Clint: Does he sound rather Klarg-y?

Griffin: [chuckling] He sounds Klarg-ish. He sounds like - You don't wanna cast aspersions, and you don't wanna judge a book by its cover, but it sounds like the voice of a creature that would probably be known as Klarg. You can only hear that, um, because the other sound, uh, that you can hear is the deafening roar of this waterfall that is feeding this, this stream.

Justin: So we can see Klarg?

Griffin: Uh, the - the chamber is up, uh, a ways, up some - some ruined stairs, uh, that have, have seen better days. Uhhm, so if you're careful—and I'm assuming you're being careful—you can, you can make out, uh, a few shapes. You see, uh, one figure that is absolutely massive. Much, much, much bigger than the goblins that you have uh, been experiencing in this cavern. Um... And that is about the only shape that you can make out. There's a few sort of natural stone pillars, uh, in - in that room, but unless you climb up those stairs and get closer, you're not going to be able to see much. Klarg is facing your direction, he just can't really make you out over - over this staircase.

Taako: Okay, listen guys. [pause] Here's what I'm thinking. What if... rather than try to fight Klarg, we see if we can trade the information that we have in exchange for Barry.

Merle: Like tell him that -
Taako: [interrupting] Say we know that he has someone in his organization trying to - Uh, who asked us to kill him. We'll let him in on that, but he has to promise to let Barry go with us.
Magnus: I like that.

Travis: Dungeonmaster?

Griffin: Yep?

Travis: Uhhm. So, geographically -

Griffin: Mmm-hmm.

Travis: The very first room we encountered when we entered, with the wolves chained up -

Griffin: [talking over Travis] Yeah-yeah-yeah-yeah.

Travis: And that was a chimney?

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: Where would that chimney line up with the two rooms we've been in up here in the overpass?

Griffin: It was on the right, and you are on the right side of the cave. So it's a logical assumption that maybe that chimney opens up into there.

Travis: Gotcha.

Justin: [muffled] What are you think -

Merle: [talking over Justin] I like - I like Taako's idea, but I think we need to, uh, work from a position of strength. Why don't we do something that makes him think we're real, real bad-asses, so he will, uh, think twice, and maybe consider the offer?

Justin: Um -

Clint: Like, could I use my, uh - The, the spell that I used before to illuminate, uh, the axe... And to, you know, like cast that spell on to something, like as a visual -

Griffin: You think this dude's never seen Light before?

Clint: [talking over Griffin] No--

Griffin: The Light spell?

Clint: But I mean if somethin' all of a sudden starts to glow--

Griffin: [interrupting] That's what they teach kids. They teach kids light in kindergarten.

[Travis laughing]

Justin: No, I think this is a good idea.

Griffin: Yeah, I love it.

Justin: Okay, and I'll, I'll cast, at the same time - I'll use a cantrip. I'll use, uh, my - my abilities of Prestidigitation... and uh, I'll create a shower of sparks.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: And - and I'll build a chair with my carpentry tools.

Griffin: [talking over Travis] Yeah, okay.

Clint: [interrupting] I say you draw a bead on big boy with your short-bow.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Yeah, I don't think he's gonna be threatened by us; we're level one.

Clint: He doesn't know that! That's why we're firing off the fireworks and the light!

Justin: [talking over Clint] That's true. Griffin, you're not gonna tell him, are you?

Griffin: Uhh, no. So are you [chuckling] guys doing this now?

Justin: Yes. We're doing it simultaneously.

Griffin: Okay. The three of you, the three of you walk Magnificent Seven style, shoulder to shoulder, into this room. [Clint laughing] Dad, you're shooting light beams all over the place like they're in a Daft Punk concert, and Justin's showering sparks all over the place, and Travis strikes a -

Justin: [interrupting] And I'm calling out to him, I'm like, “Hello friend!”

Clint: No, don't call him friend!

Travis: [talking over Clint] No, no-no-no, no, other way!

Clint: Yo, fat-ass!

Justin: Hey, stupid!

Travis: No-no-no-no, no-no-no, somewhere in the middle!

[pause]

Griffin: Uh -

Justin: Hey, jerk!

[laughter]

Griffin: Okay. Uhh, and - and Travis, you just sort of strike an imposing pose with your short-bow drawn. Uhhm, and then from, uh, the left side of the cave, next to the entrance you just walked through, a wolf charges [laughing] and attacks, uh, Merle. [laughter] So, uh, let's all roll Initiative!

Justin: Okay.

Travis: Well that won't work. [sound of a die rolling] Nineteen again.

[sound of a die rolling]

Clint: [sounding subdued] Four.

Justin: Fourteen. [sound of a die rolling three times]

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Sounds like a lot of wolves.

[Travis chuckling]

Griffin: Uh...

Travis: Wolf number sixteen is gonna come -

[laughter]

Griffin: Uh, so this wolf, uh, gets a surprise round on you.

Justin: Excelente.

Clint: Great.

Griffin: Uh, he is attacking Merle, uh, and he is gonna try and bite at your neck region. [sound of a die rolling] He rolls a... seven plus four... He rolls an eleven.

Clint: I have eighteen.

Griffin: Not gonna do it. Uh, you just kind of throw him off, uh, just using your neck muscles. [chuckling] It's - it's amazing.

[laughter]

Griffin: You're like Terry Crews.

[Clint laughing]

Griffin: You just sort of flex and the wolf goes flying. Uhh, okay. Uh, so that was the surprise round. Klarg is, like, amazed, by your pyrotechnics.

Klarg: [deep, cartoonish voice] Whoah!

Griffin: He says.

[laughter]

Klarg: Klarg is amazed by your power!

Clint: So he is John Goodman! Alright, now we got John Goodman--

Klarg: [talking over Clint] I'm John Goodman!

[Clint laughing]

Griffin: Uhhm, you don't actually-- You guys aren't entirely sure what he is. You've never seen, uh, anything like him. Uh, but he's not a goblin. He's definitely not a goblin.

Justin: Is he humanoid?

Griffin: He is humanoid. He is furry. Uhh, he's about six and a half feet tall, he is muscle-bound... Uhh, he looks, he looks pretty bad-ass. [pause]

Travis: Does he look, like, more muscle-y than me?

Griffin: Nothing's more muscle-y than you.

Clint: [talking over Griffin] Aww, nobody's more muscle-y than you, sweetheart.

Griffin: You're the most muscle-y boy, aren't you.

Travis: I mean more than Magnus, not more than Travis McElroy.

Justin: Is it my turn yet?

Griffin: Uh, it is Magnus's turn. We're to the top of the order now.

Justin: Can you ask him to call off the wolves?

[pause]

Travis: Can I roll a quick Animal Handling check to see if there's any possibility of like, controlling the wol - like, [chuckling] befriending my animal friends?

Griffin: Uh, you wanna make an Animal Handling check, to see if you can call off this wolf? [pause] Um... Yeah, sure. Go right ahead.

Travis: Or, I guess overall I should say -

Griffin: [interrupting] Alright, let me explain what's in the room. So you have this wolf that has just attacked you. Uh, there's a fire-pit sort of in the middle of the room, uhh... That's just sort of hot - hot coals and embers, that, uh, this - this, that Klarg was sort of standing behind. And then, in the corner you see this - that, the entrance to the chimney that you walked by earlier, with the wolves in it. Uh, and by that you see two more goblins.

Clint: I - Can I make a suggestion? [pause] We've already tried to establish ourselves as bad-asses. This wolf attacked us. Kill it, Magnus!

Travis: But I want a wolf buddy! Alright -

Griffin: [interrupting] I love this - I love this narrative thread of you trying to befriend every thing [laughter] that tries to kill you.

Travis: I - Listen, I love animals.

Griffin: Yeah.

Travis: Then I wanna kinda do something bad-ass if I'm gonna take this wolf out.

[pause]

Griffin: What are you - what are you thinking about?

Travis: Can I double attack?

Griffin: Not yet. [pause] Maybe someday.

Travis: Then I am going to...

Griffin: You can try and pick him up and throw him [chuckling] onto the fire-pit.

Travis: Yeah, that one.

[pause] [Justin cackling]

Travis: Let's do that. I'm gonna do that. I'm gonna hoist the wolf over my head and throw him in the fire.

Griffin: Well you - the - you will-you will have to make a couple of checks there.

Travis: No, I'm good with that.

Justin: Dumb check. See if it's dumb to do.

Travis: [talking over Justin] I prefer action, thinking is for other people-

Griffin: [talking over Travis] I'll make  - Let me make the dumb check! Oh man, that is a critical twenty. Yeah. [laughter] Um... alright. So you will uh, you will have to make a Strength, let's say a Strength contest against this wolf. 'Cause this wolf is gonna try and wriggle to try and get out of, uh, try and get out of your grasp.

Travis: [talking over Griffin] Gotcha. So this is just strength.

[sound of a die rolling]

Griffin: Uh, yeah, uh, you - Oof. Yeah.

[pause]

Travis: Okay. I got -

Justin: [interrupting] A twenty, Trav? Was it a twenty?

Travis: No... It was fifteen plus four - Nineteen.

Justin: Ah, okay. One off.

Griffin: Uh, so yeah. You manage to hoist this wolf into the air.

[pause]

Travis: Yeah! [pause] And now what do I [chuckling] have to do--

Clint: [talking over Travis] Throw him!

Travis: Okay! I'm gonna throw him!

Griffin: Uh, yeah -

Travis: [talking over Griffin] I think that's a thrown attack! [laughing]

Griffin: Well you're - You're only a few feet from this fire-pit, so you manage to, uh, toss this wolf into this fire. Uh, the wo - the wolf is gonna try to land on his feet. He's gonna make a, uh - we'll say a Dexterity saving throw - [sound of a die rolling] Uh, he does. He gets, uh, he gets, uh, he gets a seventeen. So he uh, he manages to - He lands in the fire and he takes, uh... He takes, we'll say 1d4 point of damage... [sound of a die rolling] Uh, he takes 3 damage, and he’s uh, he is very perturbed. And it smells amazing in this room [laughter] for a second.

Travis: As a free action I'm gonna point at Klarg and yell,

Magnus: Call him off.
Klarg: You threw my wolf in the fire!
Magnus: And I'll do worse if you don't stop him!

Clint: Oooh!

[pause]

Klarg: But he's my favorite wolf, and you threw him in the fire, though!

[laughter]

Magnus: Then call him off or lose him forever.


Clint and Justin: Oooh!

Klarg: Oooh! But he's my -

[laughter]

Justin: Just do it!

Klarg: You - you threw him in the fire!

[laughter, clapping]

Magnus: He attacked my friend. I say we're even.
Klarg: [talking over Magnus] I attacked your friend.

[pause]

Magnus: Then you'll meet the same fate.

[gasp]

Klarg: You can't pick me up, I'm way bigger than the wolf was!

Clint: And then I say -

Merle: Fellas, fellas, fellas! We came here to talk!
Klarg: You should have thought about that before throwing my dog in the fire!
Merle: Well you shouldn't have had your dog jump up my ass!

Travis: [laughing] You got your ass in my dog! [lower voice] You got your dog in my ass!

Klarg: I don't think my dog could fit in an ass!

[laughter]

Travis: You haven't seen this ass!

Justin: [laughing] I have!

Travis: We've gotten off track.

[laughter]

Taako: [laughing] Listen--
Merle: He's not kiddin' around here!

Griffin: Uhh... The wolf is-

Justin: I have a question. Are we allowed to talk if it's not our turn?

Griffin: Uh, yeah, sure. That's a free - It's a free action. I'm not gonna -

Justin: [talking over Griffin] So we get free actions whenever, huh?

Griffin: Well, I mean I'm not gonna silence you guys. If you wanna crack wise I'm not gonna say shush, it's not your turn.

Justin: Okay.

Griffin: Um... Do you wanna say something to Klarg -

Clint: [interrupting] You can chime in here if you want to.

Justin: [talking over Clint] Let me - let me try. [pause]

Taako: Pleeaase?!

Clint: Oh, good, yeah. [laughing]

Justin: Was that good?

Klarg: Okay, you've convinced me.

[laughter]

Griffin: Um, no. That's not what happens. Uh... It's um - next in the order is the wolf. He's going to scurry out of the fire-pit. Uh, and he's gonna tackle, uh - He's gonna make a running attack at, uh -

Justin: [interrupting] I just wanna say, Travis, I wish you'd just tried your Animal Handling, and -

Griffin: [talking over Justin] At Magnus.

Justin: Instead of attacking it -

Clint: [interrupting] Or just killed it!

Griffin: Yeah, I mean this wolf was actually supposed to be your pet, but you -

Travis: Ahh, no!

Justin: This is perfect! Now we've got a flaming wolf. That's gre - that's good. Now it's a wolf but it's on fire.

Griffin: Uh, exactly.

[sound of a die rolling]

Travis: [talking over Griffin] Actually he's, he's more like a smoldering wolf...

Griffin: The wolf, uh, jumps at Magnus... He, uh, got a sixteen to attack -

Travis: Well my armor class is seventeen.

Griffin: Oh. Uh, so he uh, is unsuccessful, he is very sad. The two goblins are up next. They are each gonna pull out short-bows. Uh, one is going to fire at Magnus, one is going to fire at Taako. Um, Magnus we'll do you first. [sound of a die rolling] Uh, nineteen to AC.

Travis: Gimme one second, sorry.

Griffin: What happened?

Taako voice: Somebody was checking his fantasy football score!

Travis: I was. No, I uh - As a protection fighter um, “When a creature you can see attacks a target other than you that is within five feet of you, you can use your reaction to impose disadvantage on the attack roll. You must be wielding a shield.” So I'm gonna say there's disadvantage against the attack on Taako.

Griffin: Okay. But this attack was on you.

Travis: Yeah, and that hit. That hit real good. [sound of a die rolling]

Travis: Nineteen?

Griffin: Uh, three plus two - five piercing damage.

Travis: So not great. Not great for me, I'm down to two.

Griffin: Okay. Uhh, the other attack against Taako - So you're imposing disadvantage? How often can you do that?

Travis: As far as I know, whenever.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: There's no limit.

Griffin: Uhh - [sound of a die rolling] So the first attack [chuckling] is a crit... So good that you did that. [sound of a die rolling] Uh, the other attack is a twelve.

Justin: Uh, yeah -

Griffin: Twelve versus AC?

Justin: It's 'e', equal.

Griffin: Uh, so yeah, that's a hit. And they do - [sound of a die rolling]

Travis: But at least it wasn't a crit hit!

Griffin: Yeah, that would've been pretty bad. They only rolled a one, plus... Two... Three damage. Three piercing damage to Taako. [pause]

Justin: [muffled] Oof.

Griffin: Uhh, that is it for the goblins. [sound of a die rolling] Who rolled a fourteen for Initiative?

Clint: Uh, Magnus.

Griffin: Nope.

Travis: No.

Griffin: It was either Merle or Taako.

Clint: Taako.

Justin: Uh, I had a - yeah, I had a fourteen, so.

Griffin: Okay. You're up. Um, you got, uh... You got Klarg; you got two goblins over by the chimney; and you got, uh, a dog by - over by Magnus.

Justin: Uhhm... Alright, I cast Charm Person on Klarg.

Griffin: Okay, interesting. What do I, uh, what do I do about that?

Justin: I'll tell you.

Travis: You give Justin presents.

Justin: You, uh - I'm gonna attempt to Charm a humanoid. You must make a Wisdom saving throw. If it fails the saving throw it is charmed by you until the spell ends or until you or your companions do anything harmful to it. The charmed creature regards you as friendly - as a friendly acquaintance.

Griffin: Okay.

Travis: Nice.

Griffin: Uh, what do I have to save against?

Justin: Wisdom. Save against Wisdom.

Griffin: But there should be a number - There should be a number that you have that is my target to beat.

Justin: Oh, right. The saving throw DC to resist the spell you cast is thirteen.

Griffin: Thirteen. Okay. Um, and I'm making a Wisdom saving throw. This guy has plus zero to Wisdom, so I need to roll a thirteen or better. [sound of a die rolling] I roll a two... [laughter] So consider Klarg charmed.

Taako: Klarg!

Clint: How long does this last?

Justin: Uhh, until we attack him.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Oh no, sorry sorry sorry. It lasts an hour.

Griffin: Okay.

Taako: Klarg, call them off.


Klarg: [higher, more 'cultured' voice than before] Call - Sorry, who?

Travis: Uh, say what now?

Taako: All the b - call the wolves off.
Klarg: Oh, oh, sure. Hey, uh, Percival, come back. Come to daddy.

Griffin: Percival scampers back to uh, to Klarg's side.

Clint: Can we put him out?

Justin: [talking over Clint] What?

Clint: First? Can we put him out since he was on fire?

Griffin: Oh, he's not on fire. He's fine.

Justin: Okay, good. Uh -

Taako: Klarg, my name is Taako.
Klarg: [chuckling] Well, it's a - It's a pleasure. It's, uh, it's really, really super-great to meet you.
Taako: Well, I feel like we've known each other for ages.
Klarg: I feel that way too. Do you need any money or any - Can I just sort of - can I give you all of the things I have?
Taako: There will be time for that. Listen. We have, uh, a sort of a situation we wanted to loop you in on. [laughter] Um. We, uh -
Klarg: [talking over Taako] Do you guys want a tre - You've been in my cave for a while now, do you want some oolong?
Taako: Uh, no, no oolong for us, thanks. We don't have much time. Actually about fifty-nine minutes, if you're exact-

[Clint laughing]

Taako: So listen. Uh, listen. Uh, uh, uh. We have a situation. One of your employees, uh, Yahweh, said - Told us -
Klarg: [interrupting] I don't think the Jewish god is, uh, under my employ.
Magnus: I think it's Wee-man.
Merle: [talking over Magnus] I think it's Meemaw.
Taako: Meemaw? Wee-man?
Klarg: Wee-man. Yes.
Taako: Wee-man. Uh, uh, he told us that - First off, he has our friend Barry Bluejeans held captive.
Merle: You know Barry.
Taako: You know Barry.
Klarg: That was - I did - Yes, I -
Taako: [interrupting] I thought. We figured.
Klarg: I may have -
Magnus: Water under the bridge.
Taako: [talking over Magnus] Water under the bridge.
Merle: Let's get past it.
Taako: Uh, listen. Uh, your friend wanted us to - And I know this is going to be hard to hear -
Klarg: Are you sure you don't want any tea? I have a delicious Earl Grey -
Taako: Fifty-eight minutes, Klarg, try to stay focused.
Merle: [talking over Taako] We're good. We're okay.

[laughter]

Taako: He tried - He wanted us to, believe it or not, kill... [pause] Well, you. Kill you.

[laughter]

Klarg: That doesn't sound like... Are we talking about the same Yeemick? There are, uh, sorry. I think I understand what the problem is. I employ several Yeemicks.
Taako: Klarg, look at me. It's Taako. [wheezy laughter] This is Taako talking.
Klarg: [talking over Taako] I -
Taako: Would I lie to you?
Merle: [talking over Taako] Huh?
Klarg: [sighs] I guess I've known all along...
Merle: [talking over Klarg] Look at that face. Look at that face!
Taako: Look at this face, Klarg. It's me, Taako! Listen -
Magnus: [interrupting] So -
Taako: Here's the thing. We want Barry back. We wanna kill this bad guy [pause] that wants to kill you. We want our friend Barry, and we want - we'd like some gold. Like some gol - like a little gold.
Merle: [interrupting] For our trouble.
Taako: For our trouble!
Magnus: And if it's not such a big deal, it would be great to know what happened to our other friend.
Taako: What do you say, Klarg?
Magnus: Gundren.
Taako: Gundren. Klarg, what do you say?

[pause]

Klarg: I think that we can come to a very, uh, agreeable conclusion to this entire misunderstanding. Give me just one moment.
Merle: Sure.

Griffin: He goes over to uh, uh, what looks like a desk that a bugbear would use - [laughter] He's a - he’s a bugbear.

Clint: [interrupting] Aww!

Griffin: And he uh - He pulls a, uh, sort of a rock out of the - the wall, so that there's like a small hole in the wall, and he says uh -

Klarg: Yeemick, can I see you in my office, please.

[laughter]

Griffin: And he puts the rock back in. Uh, in about, uh -

Justin: [interrupting] Okay, while we're waiting -

Griffin: [talking over Justin] Yeah.

Justin: Before he comes -

Taako: Klarg, just a heads-up. He's gonna know something's up when he sees us.
Klarg: Oh, tot - No, please. Listen. Yeemick talks a big game, but he really is, uh - He's as sweet as cherry pie. You have nothing to worry about, trust me, my friend.
Magnus: I say we move to either side of the door.
Merle: Oh, how about if we pretend we're captives? Or dead?

Justin: Oh, can we feign dead-ness!

Clint: Can we feign death?

Griffin: Uh -

Justin: Yeah, we all lie down! I lie down on the ground!

Klarg: I - I tell - I'm telling you, thi -- This level of chicanery is not -
Taako: [raspy voice] Bleeeh, I can't hear you, I'm dead!

Clint: [laughing] Alright.

Merle: Come on, Taako, stay up.
Klarg: I do feel like you're embarrassing yourself a little bit, but if you wanna lie on the floor and play child games it's -
Taako: [raspy voice] [interrupting] Tell it to my ghost!
Klarg: Okay.
Magnus: Can I play with your dog?

Clint: Oh my god, he won't give up on the dog!

Klarg: Uhh... Absolutely not. You did throw him in a - [laughter] Listen. I love you guys. You're my oldest -

Justin: You love Taako. Well, you love Taako.

Klarg: You're my oldest and dearest friends. You threw my dog in a god-damned fire.

[laughter]

Magnus: [high-pitched] Uh, but yeeaah. [normal pitch] That was a misunderstanding.

Griffin: Uh, okay. So what are you - What are the three of you doing?

[pause]

Clint: Alright, let's -

Travis: [interrupting] I say we stand to the side of the door.

Clint: Yeah, at least stay out of sight to - don't give him a chance to -

Justin: [interrupting] Oh, that's good. Yeah-yeah-yeah, we'll stand on the other side of the door so he doesn't see us as soon as he walks in.

Griffin: Okay. Um, Yeemick walks in with uh, with the two other goblins that were in that room with him. They walk into the room. They do not see you as they walk in. Uhhm -

Justin: Is Barry with them?

Griffin: Barry is not with them.

Clint: He's back on the stage.

Griffin: He's back on the stage.

Travis: Where he belongs!

Griffin: But the three, uh, the three goblins who walk in have their weapons drawn. Uhh... And Klarg goes uh -

Klarg: Oh, Yeemick. I have heard the most fascinating story about you.

Griffin: Um, and Yeemick [chuckling] draws a short-bow and fires a round off at Klarg. [sound of a die rolling]

Travis: What - Hold on! Can I use my [laughing] protection for Klarg?

Griffin: Yeah, sure. We'll say that.

Travis: [talking over Griffin] Okay, great!

Griffin: Okay, so you're imposing - The first roll was an eighteen. [sound of a rolling die] The second roll is a seventeen, uhh, which hits his armor class. Uh, and he takes - [sound of a die rolling] He takes four points of damage. And Klarg uh, reels from that shot and says,

Klarg: Oh, so it's true.

Griffin: Uh, and - And pulls out -

Travis: [interrupting] Oh, I see how it is!

Griffin: And pulls out - Pulls out a, uh, giant morning star in one hand and a javelin in the other, and looks like he's getting ready for, uh, business. We're gonna hop back into, uh, Initiative. The two goblins that were in the chamber before, uh, walk over behind Yeemick, and align with uh, with this seditionist movement. Uh. And, I believe the last person to go was Taako, uh, so Klarg is actually next in the order. He is going to bear down on Yeemick with this, uh, big, big morning star. [sound of a rolling die] And rolls a... Nineteen, which hits for 2d8 plus two damage. [sound of a die rolling twice] That's a seven...

Travis: Real glad we charmed that dude.

Griffin: Uh, a six... Uh, seven plus plus six is thirteen, plus two is fifteen piercing damage. [laughs] He crushes, uh, Yeemick, uh, into the ground, and the other four goblins, uh, look a little bit worried about that. Uh, and next in the order is Merle.

Clint: Is Magnus still at only two life points? Two hit points?

Travis: I - I mean, I've got Second Wind, if I can keep from getting hit. I'm feeling fine. Don't worry about me. Action, action, action.

Justin: Well, I don't want you to die. We're trying to make a podcast here.

Travis: I'll be fine. Magnus will be fine. Either that--

Clint: [talking over Travis] Well then--

Travis: Either that, or his brother ‘Mignus’ will show up.

Clint: Then how would I proceed if I wanted to leave the cave and go back to Barry Bluejeans, and try to heal him?

[pause]

Griffin: You can do that. You'd be splitting up the party...

Travis: Don't do that.

Griffin: You got - You got Klarg in here, he's still charmed, and you've got four goblins left. Uhhm, and -

Clint: [interrupting] How much longer on Klarg's charm?

Griffin: Uhh, each - each round of combat takes about six seconds, so, he's -

Travis: [interrupting] We're fine.

Griffin: You've got plenty of time on that clock.

Clint: Sorry Trav, I'm gonna - I'm gonna heal ya.

[pause]

Travis: [muffled] You jerk!

Griffin: [talking over Travis] I mean, you shouldn't apologize!

[laughter]

Travis: How dare you, you turd!

Clint: Well, here's the thing. Do I need to burn another spell slot?

Griffin: Yeah. Your heals are based on -

Travis: [talking over Griffin] You have -

Griffin: On your spell slots.

Clint: So if I use heal here, does that mean I won't be able to cast anything else?

[pause]

Griffin: Uh, is it - Do you only have the two spell slots?

Clint: Yeah.

Griffin: Then yeah. Until you take a long rest, you won't be able to cast anything else.

Clint: Alright, well, I'm gonna cast Healing Hands. [sound of a die rolling] A one.

Griffin: [chuckling] Okay.

Clint: And I add five to it.

Griffin: So Travis gets six -

Travis: [talking over Griffin] Plus six.

Griffin: Magnus gets six hit points back.

Travis: 'kay. Gotcha. [pause] Feeling fine.

Griffin: You feel lightly refreshed. You feel like you - you just applied some Bengay.

Travis: Gotcha.

Clint: And then I say triumphantly,

Merle: You're welcome!
Magnus: Thanks.

Griffin: I mean, you didn't like, sew an arm back on. You healed him for six points of damage.

Clint: [talking over Griffin] Let's see you heal him!

Travis: I do appreciate it. Okay, next!

Griffin: Uhh, next in the order, back to the top of the order, is Magnus.

Travis: Then I'm - I mean, I'm gonna attack one of the gerblins!

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: Wait. Can we tell if Yahweh [Yeemick] is dead?

Griffin: He's, oh, he's super dead.

Justin: Okay. Great.

Griffin: And - and by the way, we shouldn't say the sentence out loud, “Yahweh is dead.”

[laughter]

Justin: [muffled] Now hold on -

Griffin: [talking over Justin] Just for future reference, we should avoid saying that sentence out loud.

Travis: So I would like to roll an intimidation check -

Griffin: [interrupting] Okay.

Travis: And tell the four goblins that are left, their leader is dead, lay down your weapons.

Griffin: Okay. What is your, uh - what is your Intimidation skill?

Travis: My Intimidation is plus three. [muffled sound of a die rolling] Uhh, eighteen.

Griffin: We'll say you're contesting their Wisdom. [sound of a die rolling] That's a crit. [pause] [talking over Travis] That is not successful.

Travis: [talking over Griffin] So no then.

Griffin: They are not intimidated. In fact -

Travis: [talking over Griffin] Can I still attack?

Griffin: They look super brave. Um, yeah, sure.

Travis: Okay, great. Then I'm just gonna, uh, swing one-handed battleaxe at whoever's closest to me.

Griffin: Okay. Uhh...

Travis: And it kinda goes like this:

Magnus: Lay down your weapons!

Travis (fake goblin voice): Nooo!

Magnus: Alright.

[laughter]

Griffin: Uh, okay. That's - that would be the one on the uh, the - the far right there.

[pause]

Travis: Um... eighteen.

Griffin: Yeah, that's a hit.

Travis: 1d8... plus four... Eleven.

Griffin: Yeah, he is - he is cleaved.

Travis: Cleft.

Griffin: He is cleft.

Travis: Cleaved?

Clint: Cleaved?

Travis: Clefted.

Griffin: He's dead. He fucking died. Okay? I'll buy a - Listen. I'll buy a thesaurus before we play next time. [laughter] You killed a goblin, great job. You get twenty experience points. Is this what you want?

[pause] [laughter]

Clint: Do I get twenty?

Travis: No flavor text?

Griffin: Uh, here's some flavor. You killed him and you didn't even think twice about it. You just did it, impulsively. You murdered another gerblin.

Justin: You're - you're deeply broken inside.

Griffin: Great job. [laughter] Next in the order is, uh, the wolf. The wolf is going to charge at the goblin on the far left. [sound of a die rolling] Fifteen, which ties their armor class, so that's a hit. 2d4 plus two. [sound of a die rolling twice] Uh, that's a four, plus three, seven, nine. Uh, he uh, tackles the goblin on the far left to the ground, and he, uh, he stops moving. Next in the order is the goblins. Um, there's only two left. That is enough to intimidate them. Uh. One of them runs, turns and runs, and, uh, and sort of scurries down that chimney. Uh. Another one goes over there, uh, and - and tries to get down that chimney, but he gets stuck along the way, hilariously.

[laughter]

Travis: [making wonky cartoonish climbing sounds]

Griffin: Um. So, uh, that can be it. You've got a goblin stuck in a hole; you got Klarg there, still charmed; you got a wolf, he is enjoying a delicious meal. Uh. And we are out of Initiative.

[sighs of relief]

Merle: Way to go, team!
Taako: Whoo-hoo!

Griffin: Good work! It was a very unconventional way of tackling that, but I liked it.

Clint: [talking over Griffin] You said you liked that.

Griffin: Yeah, sure.

Klarg: Boy, I wish I hadn't needed to murder them. That was, uh -

[Clint laughing]

Justin: [interrupting] Can I search them?

Griffin: Uh, a - absolutely. If you wanna do that in front of Klarg, I think, more power to you.

Taako: Klarg -

Justin: Let me talk to him.

Taako: Klarg, old buddy…
Klarg: Uh. Yeah.
Taako: We're - we're - we’re gonna search them for valuables. Is that cool with you?
Klarg: I - You know, I suppose so. It's going to, uh -
Taako: [interrupting] Excellent. Thanks, Klarg, I appreciate it.
Klarg: Okay. Uh if you...uh... Yeah, just go right ahead.

Justin: Okay, we do it.

Griffin: Okay. You find in Yeemick's pocket a uh, uh... sack full of golden teeth. And, uh, you - you assume that that's going to be worth a pretty penny. Uh, maybe about, uh, thirty gold pieces or so.

Justin: Do we need to sell it, or can I just put down thirty gold pieces?

Griffin: You can put down thirty gold pieces.

Justin: Alright. Split three ways, so.

Griffin: Klarg goes,

Klarg: Oh! I forgot, I promised you guys so much - so much money. Um. Let me go -
Magnus: [interrupting] And there was talk of tea?
Klarg: Oh, yeah! Is it -

Griffin: He gets really excited about that.

Klarg: Do you want - I have so much! [random stuttering] And I have a lot to share if it's something you're actually interested -
Taako: [interrupting] You know what? A cup of oolong would be a delight.
Klarg: Oh, fantastic -
Magnus: [interrupting] It would go down real smooth.
Merle: Scones? Do you have scones?

[pause]

Klarg: Oh my god, no, I - Oh my god, I don't.
Merle: It's okay. It's okay.
Klarg: No, I, uh - I can run out and get you some -
Merle: No, no, I'm diabetic. I - I couldn't eat 'em anyway. [laughter]
Klarg: I just feel so terrible!
Merle: You just looked like a scone guy, is all.

Griffin: Uh, he - he comes back, and uh, brings you out three glasses of the - the most delicious, most aromatic oolong tea, uh, you have ever tasted. Um, it is enough to level all three of you up to level two. [laughter] Just drinking this incredible tea brings you up to level two.

Clint: Great. How much time has passed?

Griffin: He also - Fifty-nine minutes and fifty-nine seconds. No, uh, it’s - you're fine. He also drags out a small chest, uh, that contains a lot of copper and silver pieces in it equal to, uh.. about twenty-five gold pieces. There's also uh, uh- two potions of healing in there -

Justin: Can you make it twenty-four?

Griffin: Twenty-four gold pieces, two potions of healing—I'm not gonna round that up for you—uh, and a jade statuette of a frog with tiny golden orbs for eyes, worth about forty gold pieces.

Clint: Nice!

Griffin: So sixty-four gold pieces and two potions of healing. Um, the frog statuette is small enough to fit in a pocket or pouch. I'm getting that one straight from the guide book, not making that part up.

[random clicking noise]

Travis: I'm glad we don't have to lug a [chuckling] six foot statue around. Thanks - thanks, guide!

Griffin: He says, um -

Klarg: That's, uh, that's about all there is, guys. I, uh, I don't feel too bad about that. You just significantly reduced my company's overhead.

Griffin: And he laughs. He has a nice, good laugh about that.

Clint: He does, doesn't he?

Griffin: He has a nice, hearty laugh.

Merle: Well, just think, old buddy: just those many fewer, uh, Christmas bonuses you'll have to fork up.
Klarg: Oh yeah. Uh, recruitment is a real pain in the old hiney, but uh, you know it's -
Taako: [interrupting] Uh, Klarg -
Klarg: Yes?
Taako: Since we're - we're friends here -
Klarg: [interrupting] Absol - best friends, I would say.
Taako: I would say that. What happened to -
Klarg: [talking over Taako] Lovers maybe?
Taako: Uhh... [laughter] Time will tell. What happened to, uh...
Merle: Gundren.
Taako: Gundren?
Klarg: We.. actually... gave him away.

[laughter]

Merle: Gave him away?
Magnus: Come again?
Klarg: Uh... I guess I can start from the beginning. We were uh, uh, hired - We were contracted to give—uh, to collect, let's say—to acquire, uh, Gundren and deliver him to The Black Spider. So, uh, that's what we did, and that's where he is at, I imagine.
Taako: Okay, what's The Black Spider?
Klarg: I don't actually know. I've never met him. Uhh... But I do know - I guess he loves... dwarves! Because he just -
Merle: He does?
Klarg: I guess he just likes having them.
Taako (Justin voice): Where - Uh, do you think you can mark on my map here where you left Gundren?
Klarg: Uh, we took him - We actually delivered him to an envoy, to a representative for Mr. - For Mr. Spider here at this cave. So unfortunately that is not -
Taako (Justin voice): [talking over Klarg] Do you have a way of contacting The Black Spider?
Klarg: Uhh, The Black Spider typically contacts me, unfortunately. I do wish I could help you out in this regard, but I do not think there is anything I can do for you.
Taako (Justin voice): Okay. You don't have any healing salves or anything, do you? Except for these potions you just gave us, right?
Klarg: [talking over Taako] I did just give you those potions -
Taako (Justin voice): [laughing] Yeah, okay. Listen, Klarg -
Klarg: Yeah?
Taako (Justin voice): This has been so great.
Klarg: I have had a fantastic time too. I did have to murder my employees, but I - But you know -
Magnus: [interrupting] They were gonna murder you.
Klarg: They were going to murder me, weren't they? You're always right about things, Magnus. That's why I like you.
Merle: [talking over Klarg] Now listen, before - Before we say goodbye, let's not leave without making plans to get together again.
Klarg: Can we have a hug?
Merle: No. No, not with a bugbear. No.
Klarg: Can one of you guys give me just a quick hug?
Merle: I say Magnus!
Taako: Uh, Magnus! Sounds like a job for Magnus.
Klarg: How about a really nice hug?
Merle: [talking over Taako] He loves animals!

Travis: Listen. If there's one thing I know about Magnus, it's he loves hugs!

Clint: Roll your hug die.

Griffin: He, uh -

Travis: [talking over Griffin] Let's turn this bugbear, into a hugbear.

[Clint laughing]

Griffin: He takes you in his arms and he cradles you. His fur is so much softer than you thought it was gonna be. [laughter]

Travis: Aww.

Griffin: It's amazing. Uh, so you share an embrace. You try to disengage. He is--

Clint: [interrupting] You begin to hum gently.

Griffin: He's actually holding you a little bit longer than you probably wanted to be held.

Justin: Awk-ward.

Travis: Mmm-hmm.

Griffin: Umm -

Travis: [interrupting] But you know what? Maybe Magnus needs that.

Griffin: He starts moving his hands in small, slow circles... [laughter] On the top of your back.

Taako: Okay, listen, we've got to be going.
Merle: Look at the time!
Klarg: This is good, isn't it?
Magnus: Yeah.
Klarg: Are - are the two of you, are you sure you don't want a piece of this action also?
Taako: Oh, next time. For sure.

Griffin: Okay. Time is - time is running short, you are starting to think, on this spell, and maybe it's time to head out.

Justin: Alright, here we go.

Clint: Did we want to at least think about, um, murdering Klarg?

Justin: No, we're not gonna murder Klarg, he's our buddy.

Travis: [talking over Justin] No, not at all. We need to get Barry Bluejeans and get out of here.

Justin: We're gonna get Barry Bluejeans. Can - Now, let me have a discussion with you guys. Can we leave the room first?

Griffin: Uh, yeah. Sure.

Justin: Okay. Um.

Klarg: So long, friends!
Taako (Justin voice): Goodbye, Klarg.
Magnus: Goodbye Klarg!

Justin: Should we...

Clint: [talking over Justin] God, that was creepy.

Justin: Use one of our healing potions on Barry? So we're - It's like, not dead weight?

Clint: Yeah. I say - Well, why do that? Why don't I just heal him?

Justin: You don't have any charges left.

Clint: ...Oh yeah, that's right.

Justin: You used your two spell slots.

Travis: Okay, well let's get back in the room first.

Justin: [talking over Travis] Yeah, let's go check on him.

Travis: 'Cause we left him alone with those dudes.

Clint: I say we carry him out, if we -

Justin: Alright. Well, let's get in there. Is he okay, Griffin?

Griffin: Uh, he is. He's lying where, uh, where he - he uh, he was left by Yeemick.

Clint: Well can we -

Travis: [interrupting] I wanna check the crate that Yeemick was going through.

Griffin: Uh, okay. There is, uh - mostly it is, uh, some very rough leather armor, um, some clothing, some - some letters. Uhh. You believe that these are probably Barry Bluejeans' possessions.

Justin: Oh, right on. Okay.

Griffin: So you guys, uh, slap - slap Barry around a little bit. He, uh - He comes to. Uhh. He is in horrible shape, but he's not unconscious.

Merle: What if he's a douche -

Travis: [talking over Clint] Like he needs to exercise more and eat better?

[Clint laughing]

Griffin: Umm... He is a little bit overweight. Is that what you wanted to hear me say?

Travis: [laughing] I do. [high-pitched voice] I do wanna know that Barry's a little chubster!

Griffin: Uh, he is - He is, uh - a solidly put-together man, in his - you'd estimate in his fifties. So he's basically got one foot in the grave, um, age-wise.

Clint: Is he conscious?

Griffin: Uh, he is conscious. And he is, uh, he is very, very grateful to be alive. Um. Although he is, uh - Again, I can't stress this enough, he is real fucked up.

Justin: Okay, listen, I'm gonna go ahead and give this guy a healing potion. This is silly.

Griffin: Okay.

Justin: I heal hi - I give him a healing potion.

Griffin: He, uh, guzzles it down. And he says,

Barry Bluejeans: This is - This is wonderful. Thank you. Thank you, you kind soul. I will never ever forget this kindness that you have done for me. My name is Barry J. Bluejeans [Clint laughing] uh, and I'm ready to kick some goblin ass! Where did they go?
Taako: Listen, all of the asses have been kicked, dear Barry.
Barry: Where - You didn't leave me one ass?
Taako: No, we -
Merle: [interrupting] There's some stuff out in the weeds, if you're really interested in it.
Taako: We have your clothes.
Barry: I will take those, yes. These are my favorite clothes. My name is Barry J. Bluejeans.

[laughter]

Merle: Ironically, they are bluejeans, so...
Barry: Yeah, well, yeah. No shit. How you think - Why do you think they call me that?

Clint: Yeah, he is a douche.

Barry: What do you - You think that this is a family name?

Clint: Barry's a douche.

Barry: Oh, guys, thank you so much. And again, that healing potion. So great, so smart. Definitely the right move to make.

[laughter]

Magnus: Let's get outta here.

Justin: Wait -

Merle: What - What do you know about this Black Spider -

Justin: [talking over Merle] Wait, hold on, hold on. Where are we right now.

Griffin: You are in - You are still in the cave.

Justin: Okay.

Travis: Are we in the auditorium room with the stage?

Griffin: Yeah-yeah.

Justin: [talking over Griffin] We need to truck it outta the cave, because Klarg's gonna wake up soon and he's gonna remember what happened, and I don't wanna be here when that happens.

Travis: Uh-huh.

Griffin: Okay. Uh, alright. Barry Bluejeans is amenable to that. He's like,

Barry: Yeah. Let's get the hell outta this cave. I am not a big fan of this cave. My name is Barry Bluejeans.

[laughter]

[The Adventure Zone theme music begins playing]

[song ends, Max Fun promo guitar chord plays]

John Hodgeman: Maximum Fun dot org.

Rando 1: Comedy and culture.

Rando 2: Artist owned,

John Hodgeman: Listener supported.