Transcript by the lovely volunteers at TAZscripts.
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Griffin: Previously, on The Adventure Zone:
[Theme music begins playing in the background]
Griffin: There is some kind of force field. And it’s surrounding the only other door in this room on the opposite end of the pit that you’re currently standing over.
- Paloma: [echoing] You will need divine intervention. You will find it at the Temple of Istus.
- Taako: All right!
Griffin: There is a skeleton.
- Luca: I would be willing to help you out, to help you seek divine intervention from Istus herself, but I will need my brother’s help in order to do so.
- Redmond: So you help me rob this bank, it’ll take five minutes. I know you’re in a hurry.
- Taako: Hell yeah!
- Merle: It’s a caper!
- Magnus: Yeah, fuck it. What’s the plan?
Griffin: Isaak’s next-to-last entry in Isaak’s journal reads:
- Isaak: From the moment I saw it, was I knew there was nothing I wouldn’t do to get that cup, I just didn’t know why. I killed Jack. I saw my prize, the cup I had killed my very best friend for, in June’s hands.
- Taako: Junebug.
Griffin: Roswell says,
- Roswell: What would you like me to do?
- Announcer: I hope these boys never find my journal. My LiveJournal, that is. Unless you want to hear all about My Chemical Romance. It’s The Adventure Zone!
{1:33}
Travis: All right, I have an idea, fellas. Go with - Go with me on this. [noise of soda can opening]
Griffin: Okay.
- Magnus: Roswell. Junebug.
- Roswell: Ok- yeah, what do you need?
- Magnus: Go get the chalice for us.
[Clint laughs]
Justin: That’s good, that’s very good.
Travis: I thought maybe that might work.
Clint: Forty-five seconds in, done.
- Roswell: I’m sorry, I don’t understand what you’re talking about.
- Magnus: Dunk.
Griffin: You are in that moment right after what just happened at the end of the last episode. You now know Roswell’s command word. It is 11:53. You’re still at the end of that same loop, and the clay has been cleaned up, pulled back into Roswell’s form. Merle and Magnus, you’ve both sort of recovered. And yeah, it’s 11:53 and Redmond finally walks into the bank, and that elf
wizard is with him. And they’re holding the lockbox that had that big bomb in it. They both kind of nervously look at Roswell as they walk in but don’t- aren’t- don’t seem too afraid of them because Roswell’s not now attacking anybody.
Travis: No, everyone’s being cool. We’re all being little fantasy Fonzies.
Griffin: Everyone’s being really cool, and Redmond says,
- Redmond: Well, it seems like everything went pretty well in here, all things considered.
- Magnus: I don’t know how. Got really confused halfway through what was happening there, but.
- Redmond: What was in the vault? I gotta know.
- Magnus: Taako-
- Taako: Gems.
- Merle: Food. There was some sandwiches.
- Magnus: [stage whispering] Taako, Merle, they’re not gonna remember this anyways, fuck it.
Griffin: Redmond sends the elf that’s with him into the vault to poke around, look around. Redmond says,
- Redmond: Well, it didn’t seem like it was the prettiest job, but I gotta say, you got it done.
- Magnus: Listen, Redmond, we’re pretty short on time here, fella. We did the thing for you, and we will tell you what’s in the vault, but we need you to come with us to your brother to do what you can with the Temple of Istus. That was the deal.
- Redmond: Okay, yeah, no, just give me like fifteen minutes or so if you don’t mind.
[crosstalk; all of Tres Horny Boys disagree]
- Magnus: Nope, nope, nope, gotta go now.
- Redmond: It really can’t wait?
- Magnus: Okay. Roswell, grab him.
Griffin: Okay, okay. Roswell says,
- Roswell: You got it!
Griffin: And kind of just bear-hugs Redmond. And Redmond’s like,
Clint: Give him a backrub!
- Redmond: This is unnecessary! This is unnecessary.
- Magnus: Okay, we’re going to the temple. Come on, Roswell.
Griffin: Okay, and Roswell is now sort of- Roswell says,
- Roswell: Okay, you got it.
Griffin: And he walks-
- Taako: Put him on your shoulders like a toddler.
- Merle: Aww!
- Magnus: Aw, that’d be cute. Watch the doorways.
Clint: Clunk!
Griffin: Yeah, kinda fireman-carries him out of the building and does bonk his head on the side of the door as Roswell carries Redmond out of the bank. It’s 11:54.
- Magnus: And just remember, this bank was robbed by The Wet Bandits! [Griffin and Clint laugh]
Justin: Griffin, can you roll to see if him bonking his head killed him? [Travis laughs]
Griffin: No, it was--I actually rolled a critical miss, so the bank falls down, I guess. I think that’s how it works.
Clint: [laughs] It’s going to.
Justin: That’s a bad bank.
Griffin: Uh, yeah. It’s 11:54. Your--you actually see Horsey, Magnus, the horse that you stole, essentially, during the last episode--runs up through the woods and kind of goes to the water trough in front of the sheriff’s office where it was before.
Travis: All right, so do we want to horse-and-Garyl this?
Justin: That’s like a high-level spell slot.
Griffin: It’s 11:55.
Travis: You’ve got fucking five minutes! Hold on, I’ll take Redmond and Horsey. Merle and Taako, you do Garyl.
Clint: Oh, no no no. Not after last week. No, nuh-uh, I’m not putting up with that Garyl horseshit.
Griffin: I’m pretty sure you rode on the other horse last week.
Clint: I did! I know, but last week Garyl called me dense and fat and heavy.
Travis: Okay well, how fast is Roswell, Griffin?
Griffin: Um, not the fastest.
Travis: Okay.
Justin: I’ve summoned, uh, I’ve summoned Garyl.
Clint: [quietly] Oh shit.
- Garyl: I hope you like walking, lil man. Get on. As much as I love the grand spectacle of watching those stubby little legs pump their way all the way to wherever the hell we’re going, I ain’t gonna see it today. Get on.
Griffin: Uh--
- Merle: Hi-oh Garyl! Away!!
- Garyl: Don’t talk to me, little man.
- Merle: Okay, sorry.
Travis: [laughing]
Griffin: Uh, Redmond, is like down to go with you and help you out, he doesn’t need to be restrained.
Travis: Okay. He does have to be little spoon though and ride in front of me. I don’t trust him.
Griffin: He says, uh,
- Redmond: That’s how I prefer it!
Griffin: And uh, little spoons on ya. And uh yeah, you ride up the, uh, the path up the side of the plateau to the west of town, and you get to the cave at that plateau, and it’s about 11:57 [Justin: Shit.] as you make your way inside and dismount and run into the cave. And as soon as you do you see Luca, the skeleton brother, and uh seeing that Redmond is in the cave they sorta don’t do their - he doesn’t do his act of pretending to be dead, and he says:
- Luca: Brother! Have you finally -
[chorus of the boys repeating “brother!” like “bruhtha!” and laughing]
- Luca: Have you returned to your senses? Who are these gentlemen with you?
Griffin: And Redmond says, uh,
- Redmond: There’s not much time, Luca! These men have business with Istus. I told them we’d try and raise the temple!
Griffin: And Luca says,
- Luca: Well then, come and sit with me, weary travelers! Tell me your life’s journey! [protests from Magnus] I would like to hear the winding paths that Our Lady of Fate has led you down. If you wish, I could start with my own autobiography.
- Magnus: No, we have, like, three minutes!
- Luca: You don’t want to hear about the beautiful, rolling foothills of Starhollow that--
- Magnus: You can tell us at 12:01!
- Merle: Yes, in five minutes you can tell us that story.
- Luca: Uh, okay if you insist.
- Merle:[in Clint’s voice] And by the way, when we say “raise the temple” we mean R-A-I-S-E, not R-A-Z-E.
Justin: Do it again. Do it again. Take that whole conversation again. Take it from the top --
- Merle: By the way --
Justin: We’re wasting time.
- Merle: [speaking faster] When we said raise we meant R-A-I-S-E, we don’t mean R-A-Z-E.
Griffin: Unfortunately, that was the time that I needed to blow up the town. And let that be a lesson to you now, Dad. If you don’t use your character voice [Travis: People die!] then the apocalypse happens.
Clint: [dramatically] People die!
[Justin laughing]
Griffin: No, you manage to get Luca out in time and you--I think all of you just sprint the short distance from the cave to the temple and it’s 11:59 and Redmond rolls out a little mat in front of the fallen temple and the two brothers get on their knees and they place their hands together and they start to do this prayer. And they say,
- Luca and Redmond: Lady of Fate, Mother Istus, author of the story of life, and the nurturer of passing time, we beseech these things in your name. Raise this temple so that--
Griffin: And like, as soon as they say “raise this temple,” it starts to like rebuild itself in a hurry and it starts to de-age, if that’s a--if that’s a verb. It starts to young-ify. And the walls sort of rebuild themselves. You see the curtains that were laying on the ground, they just sort of lift themselves into the air and they snap perfectly over the windows-
Travis: Griffin, I would like to do a carpentry check to see if I’m impressed by how it’s building itself.
[laughter]
Griffin: Yeah, sure.
Travis: I never get to use that skill.
Griffin: I mean, that’s not a skill per se. Okay.
Travis: [dice rolling] Alright, that’s an eighteen! And I think I add ten cuz I’m super good at--
Griffin: You add a hundred to that, yeah. No, yeah, it’s super impressive. I mean, you can also tell that, like, this thing was built pretty well for the limited resources that were available to whoever built it.
Clint: Praise Istus!
Griffin: And the steeple starts to right itself, sort of casting a shadow over your party and as it’s rebuilding itself you hear the clock start to chime behind you. And the final piece, those two double doors facing the town, they snap into their frame right as you hear that anguished roar coming from the purple worm. And from your vantage point, you see the city of Refuge start to buckle and collapse in on itself, and the double doors swing open and you hear a voice beckoning you from within.
Travis: I go. Magnus rushes in!
Griffin: Kay.
Justin: This is one instance in which Taako is not good out here. Taako will follow.
[The Temple of Istus starts to play in the background]
Griffin: Okay. As you’re running in, the two brothers, who still have their eyes closed and heads bowed in prayer, are just like
- Luca and Redmond: [saying with quickened pace each time] Go, go, go, go, go, go, go!
Travis: And I turn back and like,
- Taako: Sorry about this!
- Magnus: Later dudes!
Griffin: Merle, are you rushing in as well?
Clint: I-- yeah, peace out. I’m gone.
Griffin: Okay, yeah. All three of you run into the temple and you do so as, like, that explosion was coming. But as soon as you cross through the threshold of the door, there is no explosion, there is no calamity. And when you look back through the open doors you can see the two brothers still kneeling but they’re, like, backlit by fire.
But in here, inside the temple it’s completely still. You see the rows of pews lining an aisle leading up to a fairly humble pulpit. Behind that is a tapestry showing a city of happy, busy people all nestled in the embrace of a beautiful woman with long, flowing, white hair. And that woman is in front of you, in the flesh.
- Magnus: Hail and well met!
Griffin: Or whatever gods are made of. And as you call out to her, she looks up from -- she’s knitting something as she sort of sits on the steps leading up to the pulpit. And she looks up and says,
- Istus: Well, the three of you are --
Griffin: Well, let me do a voice.
Travis: Yeah, please, come on. Set a standard for the rest of us.
Griffin: She says,
- Istus: Well, the three of you are just in time.
Griffin: And she puts her knitting down. And the three of you are standing before an actual, literal goddess. What do you do?
- Merle: Let me handle this, guys. Kinda my area of expertise.
- Taako: Yeah, okay.
- Magnus: Oh, god. I’m so scared.
- Merle: [seductively] How you doin’?
- Magnus: Oh, god. No, no, nope, nope.
- Taako: Cool, okay. Not as bad as it could have gone.
- Merle: Love the hair.
- Magnus: Could have been worse.
Griffin: She kind of laughs and sort of runs her hand through her hair which is like, it’s kind of shimmering silver with like a tinge of blue. And she says,
- Istus: Oh, thanks, I’ve had it for a while.
- Merle: All hail mighty Isthmus.
- Istus: It’s, uh, it’s Istus, actually. [laughter] There’s not --
- Merle: Merry Chr-Istus. Merry Chr-istmus, mighty Istus.
- Istus: I don’t blame you for not knowing about me. I’m sort of an older goddess in this realm. My followers are few and most of them are somewhat lacking in devotion. It’s hard to get behind a goddess who’s all about enforcing the whims of fate when, you know, the whims of fate deliver nothing but mass destruction upon you. But it’s good to see the three of you.
- Magnus: It’s good to see you as well, m’lady Fate.
- Merle: Oh god.
- Magnus: Just go with me on this!
[Justin laughing]
Griffin: She says--
Travis: I’ve got Rustic Hospitality coming out of my ass! Everybody loves Magnus!
Griffin: How--I wanna ask the question, how the three of you--because you’ve never--I want to impress upon you, you’re standing in front of a deity, and I don’t think that’s happened to any of you before, and I just wanna know how that treats you.
Travis: I would say that Magnus is not religious, but he’s very spiritual.
Griffin: [laughing] Okay.
Justin: Taako doesn’t get the appeal. I mean, they can do magic, he can do magic. He feels like they’re just about equal.
Griffin: Okay.
Clint: Merle’s rocked to his very core.
Griffin: Alright, good.
Travis: You have a hand from a god!
Clint: Well, yeah, oh gosh, thanks for the wood hand, God!
[Griffin laughs]
Travis: But I’m saying like, this isn’t the first divine proof you have received. [pronounced like receiv-ed]
Clint: Well, maybe I’m looking for a better deal!
Travis: Keep that on the DL.
Clint: Yep. [Whispering] Better deal!
Justin: Yup.
Griffin: Istus beckons all of you to come in through the entryway and motions for you to sit down in the front row of pews and have a chat with her. And she says,
- Istus: Look, I’m not telling you anything you don’t already know but this town is sick. Obviously, the whims of fate aren’t being obeyed as much as they’re being made a mockery of, and the force that’s wielding the Temporal Chalice is forcing everyone in this town to relive the same horrible day, the same horrible hour, over and over again.
- That’s not right. And you may find this upsetting, boys, but you are dying. Time isn’t rewinding every day at noon, it’s repeating for everyone. But for some reason the Temporal Chalice, or whatever’s wielding it is allowing you to remember the loops.
- Magnus: Wait, hold on. So we are dying?
- Istus: Yeah.
- Magnus: So when this is all done, are we gonna be dead?
- Istus: Not if you get out after a loop that you survive. And that’s maybe something I can help you out with.
Griffin: She says.
- Taako: Although, if we got out after a loop that we died during, that would be a hell of a thing, huh.
- Magnus: Yeah, right wouldn’t that be - that would be like waking up dead, am I right?
- Taako: I don’t wanna get into semantics here -
- Istus: Okay, you really razzed me there.
- Taako: [laughing] That’s me!
Clint: That’s Taako!
Travis: So you get Taako, baby!
- Taako: That’s Taako.
Travis: Which season you get?
- Taako: Uncut!
Griffin: She uh, she uh, she says, uh -
- Istus: Uncut. [She says] Huh. That’s funny.
Griffin: And she reaches into this white tunic that she’s wearing and she pulls out a small pair of scissors? And she cuts a loose string out of the scarf that she’s knitting - and but she does it in kind of a vaguely intimidating way? And that string falls to the floor. And she tucks the scissors back -
Justin: Alright, Taako’s appropriately intimidated.
Griffin: Okay. Um. She says, um-
Justin: Nah, I’m gonna need- have her make an intimidation check.
[laughter]
Griffin: Okay. [rolls dice] Uh, 19? I don’t know what I’m rolling against there.
Justin: Ahhh, let’s just say that probably did the job.
Clint: Yeah, he’s intimidated.
Griffin: Um. She says, uh, she puts her knitting down again and she says-
- Istus: The three of you are just so special. You know that right? Like, our existence is made up of countless realities where the same people are just doing the same actions at the same time in parallel worlds throughout the echoes of creation--except for YOU! The-the three of you are the only three of you that there are, doing the things that the three of you do here in this world. I--w--when I say that you’re unique, I’m not being flattering, I’m being quite literal.
- Taako: I think we assumed that our, uh, the way we were different was just because we weren’t here when this uh, spell got cast.
- Istus: I’m not even talking about this town, Taako. I’m ta--I’m talking about all of it! The-the-the-the world, the plane, the planar system, reality, existence, all of it! The three of you are anomalies! I certainly, you know, have god-like powers, I don’t like to brag, but uh--I don’t--I’ve never known anything like the three of you. And I don’t know why that is but I’m intrigued. Because whether you realize it or not, you’ve been serving as my agents for longer than you could ever remember. You’ve--
- Magnus: How far back?
- Istus: Really, really far back! Yeah, I mean--
- Magnus: Like two weeks?
- Istus: Much farther than that.
- Magnus: Three weeks?
- Taako: Don’t say three--not three weeks!
- Magnus: Naw! Three weeks?
- Taako: Three?
- Magnus: Three weeks?
- Istus: Almost your entire lives, the three of you have been preventing things that go against the designs of fate from happening; stopping powers that would reshape reality used by people who shouldn’t be using them! And—and that’s my whole jam.
- Magnus: But, Istus—I’m sorry but there is some really shitty stuff that’s happened in all of our lives! Like—do you like, just uh, like, I dunno, Phandalin? That kinda sh—that’s what supposed to happen?
- Istus: No, it wasn’t. That was one that you kinda goofed up on.
[crosstalk “Oh!”]
- Taako: That was a goofer!
- Merle: That was one! Okay.
- Magnus: That’s a mulligan!
- Istus: But you tried to stop it! That’s what I’m saying! T-the three of you have been serving as my agents for so long and you’ve done so much great work here in Refuge. T-the—probably the most fucked up, fate-defying place there ever was or ever will be. A-and you’ve done so much to try to stop it and—I wanna ask you to make it formal. I want you to become my emissaries in this world. And if you do, I-I will grant you my blessing.
- Taako: Hmm.
- Merle: We’ve already got a gig!
- Magnus: W—what’s that, uhh, what’s that entail?
- Taako: Yeah!
- Istus: Just keep doing what you’re doing - [Justin: Cool! Travis: Done! Clint: O-oho yeah!] just stop the—stop [Travis: You got it!] - keep standing in the way of forces that want to reshape creation in their—in-in their image following their will and not the will of fate.
- Taako: Listen, if we pledge our allegiance to you, does that mean I get to watch Merle’s hand fall off?
- Magnus: Good question!
- Taako: ‘Cause if so—Yes.
- Istus: Oh, you’re talking about Pan, right?
- Magnus: Yeeesss.
- Taako: Did or- Dan, as I’ve come to know. Yeah, Pan! Pan the man?
- Istus: I call him - I call him Dan as well! That’s amazing! Merle - Pan and I are best buds, w-w-we have a weekly poker night over in the celestial plane so don’t even sweat that. I don’t think he’s gonna hold this charge against you.
- Magnus: What kind of bennies do we get?
- Istus: Uh–– many bennies!
Griffin: - she says and smiles.
- Magnus: I’ll take it! I’m don-Yeah! Where do I sign? How bout we do this as like a trial basis, we make this one the test run of how this goes. And if we make it to the other side of this whole time loop thing and survive, we’re good to go.
- Istus: I mean, I guess I can live with that, I haven’t seen you do anything so far that has defied Fate’s will so I-I, you’ve earned a certain amount of trust, I suppose.
Travis: I stick my hand out.
- Istus: . . . we don’t have to hand shake. You actually--in fact, you shouldn’t touch me.
Travis: I keep my hand out.
Clint: We really ought to have our lawyers look at this.
- Istus: I just--I think you might explode.
Travis: I go for a high five instead!
- Istus: That would double explode you, yeah, that’s a super duper bad idea.
- Magnus: Okay, cool. Cool, cool. Cool.
Travis: I put my hand down, but I high five myself quietly.
Griffin: She says uh--
- Istus: Taako, Merle, are you interested?
[Clint sighs]
- Merle: Okay.
[laughter]
- Magnus: Cool, so it seems like two of three?
- Taako: Yeah, I’m fine.
- Magnus: Yeah, we're good, yeah.
- Taako: Is it more work?
- Magnus: Good question.
- Istus: I-ideally it'll be the same amount of work, I’m sorry it won't be less work.
- Magnus: Could it be less work?
- Istus: No I don’t think--I know that's Taako's sort of whole--
- Taako: Let’s talk God powers.
- Merle: Is there judgement involved?
- Istus: As long as you don’t, you know, cross me, I guess.
- Magnus: Okay, so hold on. The one thing we can’t do, is do what we're not supposed to do, but we don’t know what that is?
- Istus: You'll know--you know what it is.
- Magnus: Cool. I’m still on board. You had me at hello.
Griffin: Okay, um, she sort of, she--how would she do the--Okay, she knits, she pulls out a new colour of thread from her tunic, and knits it into this scarf. Which you now see like, it doesn’t end, it just kind of fades into maybe another plane, or something like that.
Griffin: What you can see is already a very long scarf and she knits this new thread into it, and as she does, these three sigils of Istus appear in front of you--floating in front of you, and they're the same sigils that you've seen the two brothers were wearing, and you saw some of this sort of symbolism--I mean, God, you can see it in this temple whenever you look around you, and it’s kind of a circular symbol with a needle in its centre, with sort of strings represented by these little brass lines that wrap around the needle and the symbol as a whole, and they are essentially little pendants that are floating in front of each of you, one apiece.
Travis: I take it!
Griffin: Okay. As you take them she says,
- Istus: I have more blessings to bestow upon you of course, I wouldn’t just give you some necklaces.
Griffin: She says,
- Istus: Merle, I have something for you. Since you're sort of a nurturer of both plants and people, I’m going to grant you something sort of unique among my followers, a bit of fateful leeway.
Griffin: And she knits something into the scarf and in front of you, Merle, a small, about tennis ball sized orb appears and inside of it looks like there’s a sandstorm brewing in it. Light coloured sand swirls with these golden flecks that sort of shine light across your face as you look into this orb and she says,
- Istus: This orb when smashed will send your consciousness nine seconds into the past. It’s not quite enough to rewrite the fate of all mankind perhaps, but maybe enough time to fix a mistake or save a loved one.
Griffin: -she says.
Clint: Awesome.
Griffin: So, yeah you have this--
Clint: I stare at it--I stare at it and I say,
- Merle: It’s beautiful!
Griffin: It is pretty beautiful.
Travis: I wonder how long before Merle forgets he has that?
Clint: Has what?
Travis: Yup.
Griffin: You, yeah--[laughs] fantastic. She says,
- Istus: Taako, for you.
Griffin: -and knits something into the scarf and a small brown bag appears in front of you, and it’s cinched with a golden thread and that thread is bound together with a knot which is threaded into this golden glowing lock. And she says,
- Istus: This, Taako, is a bag of necessity and it’s kind of curious. I don’t know what’s inside and neither will you, until the appointed time that the item, or items, inside are exactly the item, or items, that you most need.
- Taako: Okay, I see what you're saying.
- Istus: Yeah, I don’t wanna tell you your business but--[crosstalk]
Travis: It’s a magic bag!
- Istus: You might want to keep it on your person at all times.
- Taako: You're saying th-that I had courage within me the entire time, [Clint laughs] I just needed this bag to bring it out, right?
Griffin: As you sort of grab the bag, you actually do feel a weight inside of it. So something is in there that’s not just fucking courage.
Travis: Like a weight set?
Griffin: No, it’s not just, like, a weight set.
Travis: For Taako to get buff?
Justin: Okay do I--is it like an ambiguous just, like, weight to it, or do I have a feeling there is a solid concrete object in the--obviously not concrete, but there is a physical object in there?
Griffin: There is a physical object in there.
Justin: The nature of which would not change if I were to remove it like now, or in three days or whatever?
Griffin: The nature of this bag is that you would not be able to remove it until you most needed it, hence the golden glowing lock on it.
Justin: Okay, good.
Griffin: Kind of a Schrödinger’s bag.
Justin: I love it. I put it in my most special pocket, my armpit pocket.
Griffin: [laughing] Okay.
Clint: Is that your best?
Justin: That's my best one. That’s the--nobody ever thinks to look there.
Clint: Mhmm. No.
Griffin: And Istus says,
- Istus: And for you, Magnus, you're going to need a tool to strike down the unnatural time-locked barriers preventing you from reaching your goal down in the quarry, right?
- Magnus: Yes, please! Yes!
Griffin: She looks up and above you and looks down back at you and she says,
- Istus: I think I have just the thing.
Griffin: And I actually want you, Magnus, to make a dexterity saving throw and go ahead and add your--
Travis: [rolls dice] That's a nat 20!
Griffin: Is it really?
Travis: It really is.
Griffin: Okay. It’s an inconsequential one, it’s a swag roll if anything, but from behind you hear a crash, and as you look to see what it was you realise that the clock has fallen out of the steeple and into this main sanctuary space and crashed right by the front door and after the debris settles, the pile starts to rattle. It rattles for a bit and then something comes flying out of it and you recognise it as the minute hand of that clock, which arcs high through the air, and then you just fucking reach one hand up and grab it and claim it and now that it--
Travis: Oh, I Grayskull the shit out of that!
Griffin: Yeah, and now that it’s been restored you can really appreciate the craftsmanship of this minute hand. It’s this woven light metal, you think maybe mithril, and it ends in a razor sharp point and the metal comes together to form a really long, straight base which you can--you could easily get a nice grip on. And for all intents and purposes, it’s basically a spear.
Travis: Nice!
Griffin: And she says,
- Istus: Want to see something cool?
- Magnus: Yeah.
- Istus: Why don’t you go ahead and throw that at my pulpit? It’s fine, this place is about to explode again anyways.
Griffin: And as you look around the wall--the front wall of the temple is actually starting to buckle a little bit.
Travis: Okay, I heft the spear and do as the lady asks.
Griffin: Alright, yeah, you chuck the spear and it sticks into the wooden panel of the pulpit and she says,
- Istus: Okay, now recall it.
[Travis gasps]
- Magnus: To me, spear friend!
Griffin: The spear reverses its path in time, reversing the path it just flew, arriving back in your hand, but the damage that it did to the pulpit is still there.
Travis: That’s awesome.
Griffin: She says,
- Istus: I’ve enchanted this so you'll be able to pierce the barriers that have prevented your progress in your quest.
- Magnus: Just like whenever, or one time use?
- Istus: Whenever you want.
- Magnus: Awesome.
- Istus: Although… Hmm. You won’t have them after this loop comes down so…
Griffin: And then she reaches into her tunic and pulls out a couple of threads and for like fifteen seconds, she's just furiously knitting these into this scarf and then she says,
- Istus: Okay, I don’t often do this, but I’ve–edited things a bit? So you’ve actually had these gifts from before you even came to Refuge.
- Magnus: Awesome.
- Taako: Oh, great.
Griffin: And the wall behind you has started to buckle a little bit more. You actually can’t see the brothers anymore outside of the door. She says,
- Istus: It looks like our time is here is almost up, my dears. Do you--
- Magnus: Is there--is there anything else you could edit in our past?
- Istus: I can’t. I--what you need to understand is that the big picture stuff, Magnus, I can’t touch that, because if I do, I’ll cease to exist. I’ll cease to be. I can only help you out in small ways but I can’t affect that big picture, and I know that’s hard to hear. [Increasingly anxious] Do you have any other questions? We’re almost out of *tiiiime*.
- Magnus: Ye-yeah, uh…
- Taako: I mean, yeah, kind of.
- Magnus: Like, where’s Isaak? Where’s June? Where’s the chalice?
- Istus: All three of those, you've been next door to them when you were down in the quarry. Remember the room with the seals over the door? You should have no problem getting through those now.
- Magnus: Oh, dunk. Okay, cool.
- Istus: Okay, we're seriously almost out of time. I have one last blessing for you, my emissaries. Your fate is guiding you, not today, not tomorrow, but to a moment that will challenge you in a new and horrible way and I cannot make the difficult decision that lies at the end of your quest for you, but I can grant you the time that you need to make that decision.
Griffin: And then she just disappears for like a couple of seconds and when she reappears she is wiping a tear from her eye and she says,
[“Temple of Istus” begins playing in the background]
- Istus: You're going to be amazing.
Griffin: And then the building comes down.
[Background music continues]
{30:19}
[Commercial break]
[Background music resumes]
{38:52}
Clint: Aw.
Justin: So, check this: The Chance Lance.
Travis: Oh yeah!
Justin: What do you think about that?
Travis: I like that a lot.
Griffin: Yeah, you can call it what you wanna call it. I had it labelled as the Minute Hand but obviously it’s your purview.
Clint: I’m gonna call my ball “Nine Seconds in Heaven.”
Griffin: Okay, that’s good.
[Justin laughs]
Justin: Mine’s just my sack.
[Travis laughs]
Clint: Yeah, so, we got a ball, a sack, and a tool.
[Justin laughs]
Travis: We did it!
Justin: Wait a minute!
Clint: That’s true! A ball, a sack, and a tool!
Travis: Everything is gross in DnD, everything is gross here.
Griffin: Um, yeah, so, do you guys feel like you understand the stuff that you got? Magnus, basically you got a spear that is a +1 spear.
Justin: A spear?
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: I feel like it’s the Chance Lance.
Travis: [mumbling] I’m pretty sure it’s the Chance Lance.
Griffin: Okay, the Chance Lance. The Chance Lance, yeah, it’s +1, it’s basically the same stats as, uh, actually it’s probably a d8 damage not d10 like your axe but you can throw it and recall it, is the cool thing you can do with that, and it will pop those bubbles.
Travis: Will it pop any bubble?
[Justin laughs]
Travis: Is this a magic bubble popping lance, Griffin, or is there specific to-
Justin: I would say it statistically pops most bubbles.
Griffin: No it doesn't--the enchantment pops these time bubbles--
Travis: Okay.
Griffin: So if someone puts up a magic barrier around themselves it won’t necessarily bring that down.
Travis: What if they put a soap bubble up around them?
Griffin: I mean it will pop that, yeah, it is a very sharp spear.
Travis: Nice. I’m gonna write down “pops most bubbles.”
Clint: In clinical testing.
Travis: Yeah. Five out of six doctors agree, will pop bubbles.
Griffin: So you've just died again and you're back in the white space, and the old woman is still lying on the ground. And the good news is that you can see that she is breathing, the bad news is the reason that you can see that is because she is so withered up in the yellow sundress that she is wearing, that you can see her breathing, like, very clearly it’s not great, she looks like a hundred and forty years old.
Travis: Griffin, in the half a second that we're there, is there anything we can see in the room? Anything about the room, any characteristics?
Griffin: You think you hear music. That’s it.
Travis: But we can’t, like, see the room?
Griffin: No, it’s, like, fa--it’s completely faded out white.
Travis: Cool.
Griffin: Yeah. And you wake up! And you're in front of Roswell and you're in front of Refuge and sure enough you are armed still with your gifts from Istus.
- Magnus: What do you guys think would happen if I just smash this bubble right now?
- Merle: Death, destruction, the usual.
- Taako: It wouldn’t be great.
- Magnus: Probably not good, right? Like, I shouldn’t, right? Like, I could but I–
- Taako: You could.
- Magnus: I could.
- Merle: Don’t, don’t, no, don’t do it.
- Magnus: Oh wait, I know what we need to do! First, Junebug.
Griffin: And Roswell stands to attention--
- Roswell: How did you know that--I guess it doesn’t matter.
- Magnus: Hey!
- Roswell: What do you need me to do?
- Taako: Junebug, and our first order is don’t question us.
- Magnus: Yeah, no questions. The well. Guys, the well, remember how we did the well and we could hear the thing? That’s our shortcut to get back down the mine.
- Taako: Right. Okay. Sounds good, let’s do it!
- Magnus: Yeah, right?
- Merle: And there’s a bubble you can pop!
- Magnus: Yeah, now that I’ve got the thing, we can get through the well.
Clint: And I’m ready with the sound effect!
Travis: Okay, cool, great.
Justin: Oh, this is good. This'll be good to watch with my eyes.
[laughter]
Travis: This--good synergy of a plan.
Griffin: Okay, you head over to the large well. Uh, make a perc--
- Magnus: Roswell, hold this rope.
Griffin: Okay, Roswell says "Okay, you got it" and hol--do you have a rope? You probably do.
Travis: Yeah.
- Merle: Roswell, pull my finger.
Justin: We don’t need a rope, we got the Umbra Staff, we're good.
Griffin: Okay, what does the Umbra--oh, you have group slowfall.
Travis: Well, but the rope will let us get back out quickly, too.
Justin: Okay, that’s fine, if you guys wanna rely on ropes, gravity’s not really, like, a thing for me but if you wanna throw a rope down that’s fine. I won’t be using the rope.
Clint: Do you think we should pop the bubble before we jump down?
Griffin: The bubble’s kind of at the bottom of the well. I was mainly asking--you guys mentioned a few things there. I don’t know how the three of you are actually getting down.
Justin: I’m not going first, but if you guys wanna do the- that thing, the rope thing, feel free.
Travis: Sure.
Griffin: Roswell holds onto the rope and it is really, really, you know--they're holding it tight and it's sturdy.
Justin: You're gonna leave them out here? We’re gonna leave them out here? Shouldn’t we have them come down with us?
Travis: Huh. That’s a good point. Sure, yeah, you know what, you’re right.
Justin: I mean we can tie a rope, like, we can do that.
[Travis & Griffin laugh]
Justin: Like, this is a bad use of resources.
Travis: Yeah, let’s do what you said.
Justin: I’ve got a tank that I’m gonna use to press my robes, make 'em look all crisp and nice.
Griffin: Okay, so how are you getting down, are you tying the rope off to--I mean, it’s near the exterior fence of town so there is a thing you could tie it to, or you could do some other way of getting down the well.
Travis: Yeah, that’s good, we'll tie it off.
Griffin: Okay, yeah you tie it off and you have this length of rope that goes down into the well.
Travis: We'll climb down; I’ll go first because we've got that there Bublé and I’ll climb down and pop the Michael Bublé.
Griffin: Alright. Um, I don’t think this would require a climbing che--Well, yeah, let’s go ahead and do that.
Travis: Is that athletics?
Justin: Yeah.
[Dice rolls in background]
Griffin: Take advantage on it though because you're rappelling so you're having an easier time and you have a rope so, like, you should be--
Travis: Okay, yeah, my second was 16+8, 24.
Griffin: Okay. Yeah, you make it down easily. Are you--is anyone else coming in after you or are they waiting to see if you pop the bubble and get down safely?
Justin: I’m waiting until the bubble is popped.
- Merle: I believe in you, Magnus.
Griffin: Alright, yeah. Magnus, you make your way down and it’s a fairly dark trip down for the most part, but when you get close to the bottom of the well, sure enough you can see some faint light coming from that gigantic chamber below you, and in fact you actually see that light shining off of the purple worm--or the glistening teeth of the purple worm. You don’t share--that’s not the same bubble as the one that you're basically standing on at this point, but you can see into that large room that you were in before.
Travis: Okay, I pop the well bubble.
Griffin: Okay, you use the Chance Lance.
Travis: Yeah, I lanced it. [bubble pop effect] I lance the boil.
Griffin: Alright, you drive the point of the Chance Lance down into the bubble below you and it opens a hole in the bubble and then the bubble--the entire sphere of the barrier just pops and disappears [bubble pop effect] and sure enough, you now have access into Shaft A.
Travis: Okay.
Griffin: And the rope drops the rest of the way down once you pop that bubble.
Travis: Okay, I climb down, but is there any way to not land on top of Dr. Worm?
Griffin: I mean Dr. Worm is still covered by a bubble, so as long as you don’t pop that, then you're good.
Travis: I don’t trust myself. Sure, I land on that and I move away from Dr. Worm as quick as I can.
Griffin: Okay, yeah, and now you're standing on the walkway that was going around that shaft.
- Magnus: All clear! It’s fine!
Griffin: That echoes up the well and you hear it.
Justin: I go last, so--
- Taako: Roswell, get down there.
Griffin: Roswell says "You got it!" and pretty much effortlessly rappels down the side of it. You hear actually the--hmm. Nope. That can’t be how this happens, gotta respect the fiction here a bit because Roswell weighs, like, a ton?
Travis: It’s quite heavy.
Griffin: They're a ton of clay, so as they grab the rope and sort of position themselves to start rappelling down the well, the fence at the edge of town that the rope is tied to, you hear it start to crack and groan.
Justin: I transform the fence into stone with transmutation.
Griffin: Okay, dig it. Yeah, you transform the thick fence post that this rope is suspended to. You go put your hand on it and it turns to stone and supports Roswell’s weight and Roswell manages to climb down the length of the rope and joins you, Magnus, in Shaft A.
- Magnus: Check out this shaft.
- Roswell: ...Okay.
[snickers]
Justin: I know there’s some other name for this thing I just did but I know I can do the thing so let’s all just try to have some fun here, okay?
Griffin: I mean it’s called Change Material?
Travis: Transmutation is such a better name.
Griffin: Next--who--Taako, Merle?
Justin: It’s probably something takes, like, three hours.
Clint: Okay, so what kind of check is it, athletics check?
Griffin: Depends on how you do it. If you just wanna climb down the rope then, yeah, it’s athletics.
Clint: I just wanna climb down the rope.
Griffin: Okay. Go ahead and roll it.
Clint: Okay, I already did that that, rolled a 14+2 for athletics, so, 16.
Griffin: Yeah, that is adequate and, Magnus, you see Merle descend from the hole in the ceiling and climb down onto the top of bubble and join you on the walkway.
Travis: As he--
- Merle: Hi buddy!
Travis: As he climbs down in my head I’m going [reet deet deet DEEDEEDEE deet deet]
Griffin: Yeah, cause he’s doi--yeah, that’s the sound that would accompany this climbing effort. Taako?
Justin: Uh, yeah, I cast Featherfall on myself with the Umbra Staff--
Griffin: Okay.
Justin: I’m just kinda--lightly float down. Just chill.
Griffin: Yeah you just- the three of you, Merle and Magnus and Roswell just see Taako descend down. Are you using the umbrella, like, Mary Poppins style? You don’t need to, but-
Justin: Oh, oh, natch, and I don’t need to for sure, but I defo am.
Clint: [sings descending notes]
Griffin: Then all four of you have made your way down into the sort of top room of Shaft A and you see the worm below you. You have that door that you had to, like, work so hard to get through, through your many attempts at solving the puzzles of the quarry and in front of you is another door with another bubble on it that you weren’t able to get through before. And it’s only about, um--it’s only about 11:07 right now. {49:07}
Travis: I pop that shit.
Griffin: Kay. You pop that other door and it’s [bubble pop] you see the sort of mechanism to open it, which you do, and you find yourselves in another airlock like the one that led into this room, only this one doesn’t have a puzzle bomb inside of it.
Travis: Is there a window or anything in this airlock, Ditto, that we can, like, check the next room before we go tromping through?
Griffin: No, but if this were a Final Fantasy game, there would be a save point in this place.
Travis: Okay, so, we use a tent and a couple of ethers.
Griffin: Okay, you use a cottage.
Griffin: And the other door of the airlock opens up and you see a fairly similar sight. It’s another huge room with a fenced off circular section in the middle hundreds of feet wide. There’s a sign hanging directly in front of you on a guard rail that has this marked as Shaft B. And the metal sliding hatch that you saw over the top of Shaft A that hadn’t been shut is actually shut over this hole so it’s covering the entirety of Shaft B.
And there’s the same sort of circular cart track going around this shaft but this room has a large wooden observation deck and it’s flush with the rest of the room built off just to the side of the track. And on that observation deck, you see two figures, and the first is the woman from the white space and she’s wearing that same yellow sundress and she’s floating in her own time-locked barrier and her withered hands are wrapped around the Temporal Chalice. And her eyes are closed and her face is looking down, almost in prayer.
The other figure on this deck is sitting on the floor of the deck and he’s got his back up against a few barrels and he’s wearing a big black stetson hat and he’s holding the handle of a mattock. Like, a pickaxe that he’s just twirling lazily on the ground at his side, and he’s smoking a long black cigarette, and as you enter the room he doesn’t move an inch. He just says,
- Isaak: Merle, Magnus, Taako? May as well come on in. You boys wanna smoke? I’ve only got two but if you wait an hour or so I’ll be back to having three again.
- Magnus: Isaak?
- Isaak: Yeah, of course.
- Magnus: Yeah. Only losers smoke, Isaak.
Griffin: Isaak sees that Roswell--
Justin: I give Isaak an hour long lecture about the dangers of smoking.
[Griffin laughs]
Griffin: He sees--he actually sees that Roswell is in here, and that actually kind of gets his attention. He says,
- Isaak: Aw, big buddy, I didn’t--I didn’t expect you to be down here too. But, okay, what can I do for you fellas? I think I know but let’s hear it.
- Taako: I mean, short version is we need that cup.
- Magnus: Yeah.
- Isaak: Yeah, well, I’ve been there, trust me, I know all about needing that cup.
- Magnus: No, no, no, not like, it’s not, we don’t desire the cup, we like need it, like as an adult responsibility. We need it to do a thing and then we’ll leave and we can save everything.
- Taako: We're businessmen, we don’t want the cup for, like, amateur reasons. It’s, like, our job.
- Magnus: Yeah, it’s like we're--
- Merle: We're pickers.
- Magnus: Yeah, we're paid to do it. This is a thing we're supposed to do and then we can maybe fix what I think maybe you fucked up.
Griffin: He takes a long drag of that cigarette and he says,
- Isaak: Oh, I know exactly the types of men that you are, I seen it. You're the types of men that abuse every drop of power ever given to them. Men--[Magnus: No!] men like me, you're bankrobbers, you're bullies and thieves and liars and swindlers.
- Magnus: I’m gonna stop you there and, not really, I mean--
- Taako: Well, I mean, if you want to itemize--yes.
- Merle: You left out murderers, extortionists.
- Magnus: Also carpenter is, I don’t know if that’s a thing. I bake.
Griffin: He says,
- Isaak: Yeah, when y'all made yourselves known to me I managed to keep an eye on you's these past couple loops and I feel like I know your character pretty damn well. So listen, folks like us just can’t be--
- Magnus: So you're the shadow, right?
Griffin: He says,
- Isaak: Folks like us can’t be trusted with power like this. Y'can’t have it and if you make a move on this girl I will draw on you, and maybe I’ll win, maybe I’ll lose, but I can guarantee you one thing, and that is that I'll see you tomorrow.
- Magnus: So you’ll kill us just like you killed Jack.
- Isaak: The reason why I killed Jack is exactly why I can’t let y'all have this up.
- Magnus: Because you want it.
- Isaak: No, this cup makes you do unnatural things.
- Magnus: Do you think this is the first object like that we've dealt with?
- Isaak: What are you talking about?
- Magnus: Do you possibly know a figure in a red robe, Isaak?
- Isaak: You're talking about the visitor that came and brought Jack ‘n’ June to this town, right?
- Magnus: Yeah.
- Isaak: I never met him personally, no.
- Magnus: Well that visitor and us, we share a similar purpose. There are items like this throughout the world and if we get our hands on this it’ll be, like, the fifth one we’ve dealt with.
Griffin: He takes another long drag and he sort of eyes you over and he says,
- Isaak: That’s an interesting propositio-
Griffin: Why don’t you make a persuasion check? Actually, before I-
Travis: I’m not really good at that.
Griffin: Well, you're doing it.
Travis: [rolls dice] Well, it’s an 18+1 so 19.
Griffin: He’s intrigued by this line of logic and he takes a long drag of his cigarette and he says,
- Isaak: That’s an interesting proposition although I gotta say, boys, actions speak a lot louder than words, and your actions these past couple loops have been, well, pretty heinous.
- Taako: Well, yeah, but they didn’t count, it’s, like, pretendsies.
- Isaak: How did you know they weren’t gonna count, how do you know that each of these loops ain’t gonna be the last one? None of us know.
- Magnus: Isaak, aren’t you a man of the law?
- Isaak: Uh, I find myself in that position, yeah.
Griffin: And he is, you can actually see he’s wearing a big sheriff’s badge.
- Magnus: So all those things that hold you back from doing good, because you can’t be as destructive as the bad guys, because you have to worry about everyone, you have to protect everyone, what if you didn’t have to worry and you could just cut out the bullshit and do good recklessly?
[Justin snorts]
- Magnus: That kind of defines our whole being. Reckless good doing is, like, kind of what we do.
- Isaak: Was it reckless good-doing when you attacked Roswell in the last loop or when you robbed that bank, [Magnus: Yes!] or, Taako, was it reckless good doing when you swindled those two folks at the Davy Lamp out of their money and had no intention of giving them the great magic lesson that you promised?
- Taako: I di--Listen, if that had been the last loop I would have done the fucking class, okay, let’s leave it at that. Had I had to call to the bat, I would’ve done the class. Listen, we're on the same side here, we’re in law enforcement as well--
Justin: And I pull out my, um, plastic sheriff’s badge and attempt to bluff him that we are also law enforcement which... I get a +3.
Griffin: Go ahead and make that roll. [dice roll, Clint gasps]
Justin: It’s a 17, 20 altogether.
Griffin: Alright. He stops twirling that mattock on the ground and just kind of holds it firm and he says-
- Isaak: You law? Where–where are you from, where do you do your law keepin’?
- Taako: Well, pardner--
[Griffin laughs]
- Taako: We're some of that undercover Kansas City law if you’ve heard about that, sort of the Federales.
- Merle: Pinkertons!
- Taako: Pinkertons, sort of Federale Pinkertons, partner.
Griffin: He hoists himself up using that mattock and--
Justin: Sorry, point of order, what? Mattock? Can you clarify--
Griffin: It’s like a pickaxe.
Clint: But it’s got a flat--
Griffin: Yeah.
Justin: Okay.
Griffin: And he loses his, this like eagle eyed concentration that he’s had on the four of you this whole time as he walks towards you and he says,
- Isaak: Let me see that badge.
Griffin: And he starts to walk in your direction.
- Merle: [whispering] We better kill him.
[Justin snorts]
Travis: I kind of side-eye Taako--
- Merle: [whispering] We need to kill him, let’s just kill him!
Travis: I side-eye Taako and silently tighten my grip on the Chance Lance.
- Isaak: Taako let me--sorry, Sheriff Taako, just let me see the badge I wanna verify something real quick.
[Justin laughs]
Justin: Um... um...
Clint: You just got it cleaned!
- Taako: [strained] This is--this is a temp one.
[laughter]
- Taako: I lost my main one, pardner, and this here’s my, um--
Clint: Call him buckaroo!
- Taako: Buckaroo! This one is kind of a loaner--
[strained laughter]
Travis: Sounds legit!
- Taako: It’s, um... You gotta--Respect for your badge is real important!
[Griffin laughs]
- Taako: And I had to get mine cleaned, pardner, ‘n this one here is sort of a temp, like… um, when you lose your driver’s license.
Griffin: He takes the badge and he looks at it.
- Taako: Don’t bite it!
[laughter]
- Taako: Now be careful with that! It’s the only one I got!
Griffin: He hangs his head for a second and he’s just like,
- Isaak: Ju--just stop. Just stop.
Travis: I hurl the lance at the bubble.
Griffin: Okay, you and I are gonna make dexterity contests against each other.
[dice rolls]
Travis: Okay. Oh fuck… I have 10+2. 12.
Griffin: I’m trying to think of how I can make this the most interesting. You reach down and grab the lance and--
Travis: Point of order I did already have my hand on it.
Griffin: Okay, no, I mean you have the lance and, uh, you sort of arc it back to toss it at the bubble with June inside, and like as soon as you move too quickly, his hand is at his side and he pulls out the wand that he had in his holster--it looks badass, it looks kind of like Ren’s wand that Ren had up in the Davy Lamp--and pulls it and a bolt of lightning arcs out of it in your direction--Magnus, make a dex saving throw.
Travis: So I didn’t beat that contest then, is what you're saying.
Griffin: No.
Travis: [rolling dice] No, that’s not gonna do it, that’s a 3, see you called me out on those good rolls Griffin and they disappeared. So it’s 3+2, it’s a 5. Fuck.
Griffin: So, you are going to take just a great deal of damage, um--31.
Travis: Okay.
Griffin: 31 points of lightning damage.
Travis: I’m gonna use parry then.
Griffin: Well that’s a--It was a ranged [Travis: Oh magic.] magic attack, yea and you are sort of blasted backwards aways and--
Travis: 31 you say?
Griffin: Yeah. And you dropped the Chance Lance.
Travis: Whaaat?
Griffin: As you were knocked backwards.
Travis: Okay.
Griffin: Just because you were in the process of getting ready to throw it, I think it would disrupt your attack and make you drop it.
Justin: Okay so we're not in a fight, right?
Griffin: No, I would rather we didn’t get into a fight right now just because I think it would go on a bit… too… long and there’s more interesting ways of resolving this without resorting to initiative and stuff.
Justin: Okay as I go to cast, I shout at Merle--
- Taako: Handle the sheriff!
- Merle: Got it.
Griffin: Alright, what are you doing?
Clint: Um, I’m gonna cast Banishment on him.
Griffin: Okay, you and I are gonna make a dexterity contest then, and that, I guess that will be the way that we distract him.
Clint: That’s what I’m thinking.
Griffin: Go ahead and roll a d20 and add your dexterity.
Clint: 15!
Griffin: That is a 22. A bolt of lightning emerges from his wand that he just kind of whips around in your direction and you are also struck by a bolt of lightning but you give Taako the opportunity that he needs. I’m gonna do more quick math real quick--Actually I’m gonna do this on my computer. You take 25 points of damage.
Justin: Ah, dunk.
Griffin: You are knocked backwards but you and Taako drew at the same time, that opens you up, Taako, to not having to duel him to do whatever it is you’re gonna do.
Justin: Alright I cast Bigby’s Hand, a large translucent hand of pure force emerges over the Chance Lance.
Griffin: Okay.
Justin: I grab it with Bigby’s Hand and send it flying at the bubble and I’m not talking about the thing--I just send Bigby’s Hand with the Chance Lance hurtling at the bubble.
Griffin: Okay, you do this and--how fast does the hand move?
Justin: Hmm. Good question.
Travis: Super fast. Like you wouldn’t even believe it, it’s really good.
Justin: The hand lasts for the spell’s duration, it moves at your command mimicking the movements of your own hand so I mean like I guess--it doesn’t ha- okay, range is 120 feet.
Griffin: Okay close enough, you reach out and your hand is now mimicking Bigby’s Hand and it takes Isaak a second to realise what it is you’re doing as you reach down to the ground and grasp nothing and jab your arm forward and as you do that, he kind of gets the picture and turns around and levies a bolt at the hand.
- Magnus: Roswell, clobber him!
Griffin: Yeah, alright, sick. He draws on the hand as it flies towards the bubble--let’s paint this picture--
[“The Diary of Sheriff Isaak” begins playing in the background]
Griffin: Magnus, you’re lying kind of smoking on the ground, not cigarettes but from being electrocuted.
Travis: No, cigarettes are for losers!
Griffin: Yeah, you’ve made that point known. Merle, you’re kind of the same up next against him, and Taako, you just jabbed an invisible spear forward and a bolt of lightning is kind of coming out of the wand as Roswell runs and just like tackles Isaak.
Justin: As Roswell is running, do I have time to get in a great quip?
Griffin: Yeah sure.
Justin: Okay, as Roswell is running I say,
- Taako: Sheriff Isaak, guess what time it is!
- Isaak: What?
Justin: And then--
Griffin: And then Roswell tackles him.
- Taako: Fuck if I know!
[Laughter]
Griffin: And the spear pops into the bubble and it opens a hole, and as soon as it does, time starts to slow down, like, just sort of capturing this tableau as lightning is like halfway to its target, and Roswell and Isaak are kind of both sideways in the air, and Taako, you’ve got your arm jabbed forward, and the other two boys are lying smoking on the ground, and time slows, and slows, and slows, and then just stops.
And it’s quiet, and then a wave of white light--not like flashlight light but like physical light, almost like white milk or something, with these bright sort of rainbow streaks in it, comes pouring out of the cup in a wave, like a literal tall ocean wave, and it washes over everybody in this room and then suddenly the three of you--without Roswell, without Isaak--are in the white space. But it’s not like the white space that you stood in before, it’s not this undefined empty room; in fact it looks almost identical to the Davy Lamp.
[“The Davy Lamp” begins playing in the background]
Griffin: And there’s like shadows of patrons here going about their business in slow motion that you can’t really hear or interact with. The pianist is at the piano and they're playing a sort of soft sad jazz song, and you see June and she’s holding the chalice and she invites you to sit at a table that she’s sort of reserved for you.
Clint: Is this the Matrix?
Justin: I think this is the Matrix.
Clint: It’s the Matrix.
Justin: Finally in the Matrix.
Travis: Is it the red pill or the blue pill? I can’t remember which one do we do.
Griffin: Laurence Fishburne is there now. Uh, but Cowboy Curtis Fishburne, which is weird. No.
Travis: We sit at the table--or I do, I can’t speak for you guys.
Justin: Yes, we sit down.
Griffin: Okay and June, who looks not quite as withered up as she did before, she looks like she’s maybe 90 years old now, not 120.
Travis: She tells us about the Heart of the Ocean and the man she met on The Titanic.
Griffin: No, she says,
- June: I just knew that the three of you could do it from the moment I saw you. I knew you wanted to find me bad enough to actually do it.
- Merle: Yeah, we’re pretty cool.
- June: You must be pretty confused right now, right?
- Magnus: You’re the little girl but you’re old now because you were in a time bubble thing.
- June: You’re close, this is--okay, this is complicated. I’m the cup.
- Magnus: [high pitched] Hmm?
- June: I’m the Temporal Chalice, I guess you’d call me. In a way I have June--which sounds a lot more sinister than it is. I just needed a place to hide out for a while until the right folks came along.
Griffin: And she taps her fingers on the table and she says,
- June: The fact that the three of you aren’t sort of freaking out right now tells me you’ve encountered other relics like me already and I’m guessing the fact you’re sitting here right now means that you didn’t use them?
- Magnus: You’re a cup?!
- June: Yeah. Well... yeah.
- Magnus: Like, people could drink out of you!
- June: I guess if they wanted to, although it doesn’t seem advisable, um--
- Magnus: But like they could! That’s weird!
- June: Yeah, I don’t- I mean I wasn’t always a cup, but--
- Magnus: Wait, hold up, is that true of all of the artifacts? Are all of the artifacts former people?
Griffin: The cup in June’s form--It’s not June’s form. June is here, June is holding the cup, June is talking to you, but addressing you as the cup and she says,
- June: Well that’s kind of hard to explain. I don’t remember being made, but I remember--well, I remember two things. I was made to want to be used, and to make other people want to use my power, but I remember before all this, before I was a cup, and before I was torn into seven parts and jammed into dishes, and gloves, and what have you, I was something--incredible. I could breathe life into entire realities, and shape existence at my master’s will.
Griffin: And when she says that June kind of gets lost in thought a bit.
- June: In this form, as a cup with a seventh of the power that I once had, I just don’t have that kind of freedom anymore. I have some broad power over time, yeah, but not enough to actually change anything, and I’m hoping that’s where you can come in. I believe that with a user who is determined enough to use me to change the world, I could have the power to change the past and reshape the world, and I promise I’m not gonna do anything to you that you don’t want me to do.
- I swear it, I’m not gonna cast some thrall over you or whatever. But I truly believe that together we can fix the wrongs in the past, and we can make this world better in the process. So I’m not gonna hypnotise you or anything like that; I’m just asking for the opportunity to make a pitch for you, I just want you to hear me out and then I'll release the girl and then I’ll go with you in peace.
[pause]
- Merle: So you’re the cup.
- Taako: Uhhhh.
[Laughter]
Griffin: What I wanna set up here, I’ll tell you straight up– I don’t think it’s interesting to have you guys do a wisdom saving throw to decide whether or not you don’t use the grand relic. I don’t think that’s interesting. What I want to do is try to sell you on it. Just words, no rolls, no, you know, thrall, no nothing. Just wanna try and sell you on using this thing and see how you respond to that in the next episode. So, that in mind, how do you respond to this?
- Taako: Yeah, we’ll listen, sure.
- Merle: Sure, we’ll always listen.
- Taako: But listen, I don’t want you to think we’re not on equal footing, here. You may be able to shift worlds and breathe life into realities but I recently come across some information of my own.
[End theme begins]
- Taako: I know kung fu.
[laughter]
[End song continues]
[MaxFun card]