|“||Hello, everyone. Griffin had a baby, so I'm Mr. Low Voice this time. Lowwwww-vooooice. Are you ready for adventure? We have one for you. Like you wanted. We recorded it at Max FunCon East in September. We hope you like it, very much! Regular Low Voice Guy will be back next time. Oh, and be sure to join us in the middle, and by us I mean me and Justin [snicker] for an exciting announcement! Anyway, are you ready to enter... the Adventure Zone!||”|
—Substitute Announcer, Mr. Low Voice Guy
Griffin and Rachel had a baby! But that's not the only bundle of joy being delivered this week! We have a very special episode recorded live at MaxFunCon East! Our adventurers have been through a lot together, but they don't always work so well together. Well, the BoB higher ups have noticed and they've decided to do something about it! So join the fellas (and a very special guest!) as they grow closer as coworkers and friends!
Welcome to the Podcast! The set up: Edit
For the first two days, everyone participated in typical retreat activities: Seminars on effective corporate communication, panels led by HR representatives on workplace etiquette, some bonfires with musical accompaniment led by Johann the Bard. Tres Horny Boys has their own bunk, where:
- Merle has been making lanyards
- Magnus has been doing some Fantasy Skeet Shooting with arrows (it's been going poorly)
- Taako has been sleeping in a lot and blowing off as many activities as he could
Teamwork makes the Dream Work Edit
On the final day everyone participates in Trial of Teamwork, which the event’s organizers and counselors have promised to be a completely transformative experience which will change your lives and allow you to relate to your fellow human--or elf or dwarf or whatever--in ways that you’ve never imagined. It involves entering a dungeon in teams of four and somehow coming out closer than ever. Avi, Johann, Leon, and the Director have just been through it.
Into the Dragon's Maw! Edit
They deposit all their magic items and walk into a dungeon decorated like bad haunted house. The walls are all made of papier-mâché. There's a sign that says, “Enter Colleagues, Exit Best Friends." A portcullis drops to keep them inside, but Magnus is strong enough to lift it, so he does a few times.
They descend a few flights of stairs down to the first challenge.
The first trial - The Floor is Made of Lava! Edit
About 6 inches off the ground is a series of five 6½ foot long planks of wood, the ends of which are resting on small, circular metal pegs built into the ground, they make a zigzag pattern over a span of 30 feet, and you notice that below this series of planks, or essentially this low ropes course, is red carpet. The floor is made of lava, Art explains, and they must use teamwork to get across.
Magnus runs across without any trouble.
Merle attempts to jump 30 horizontal feet. He rolls an 8, jumping five feet, and then rolls a 17 acrobatics check to to land on his belly on the plank.
Brad tears a bunch of strips of paper in the form of the planks, and figures out the best way across. He encourages Merle on his way.
Taako casts Levitate and floats over the whole obstacle like a grown man.
They earn one Teamwork Penalty (TP). The meaning of the trial, as communicated by Art over the loudspeaker, is, "we all walk the same path in life, and it's easier with help from your friends!" and not "the floor is made of lava," as postulated by Magnus.
The second trial - The Wooden Wall Edit
15 feet tall, 7 feet wide, and several feet deep, made of wood. In this challenge they need to climb the wall.
Magnus tries to jump, plant railsplitter, and pull himself up the 15 feet. He rolls to attack the wall, then rolls athletics to climb the rest of the way up. Magnus lowers an arm down.
Taako casts reduce on the wall, making it 2 feet tall. Magnus essentially falls 8 (12) feet down, and bruises his ribs on the wall, taking 7 points of damage.
As Brad steps over the wall, he casts "healing word" on Magnus by rubbing his shoulder and saying "feel better, friend."
Merle still tries to jump over it, rolls a 3, trips and falls on his face.
Taako walks over the wall, and he kicks Merle in the ribs. Magnus trips Taako, causing him to stumble.
Brad is taking a lot of notes. They earned another Teamwork Penalty. Obviously. The trial was supposed to teach them that "sometimes life throws obstacles at you, and it's easier to get over them with your friends."
The third trial - Trust Falls Edit
It's a little anticlimactic, because now it's only 2 feet tall. Magnus immediately trust falls and nobody catches him. Taako falls, Magnus catches him, they all move on with their lives. Brad arms-wide-opens back into Magnus's arms, except Magnus moves. Brad understands, but gets gum in his ponytail.
Magnus cuts his ponytail off, with a crit 20. His new haircut looks GREAT.
Merle jumps and flips backwards, not really trust falling but it was good. They earned another Teamwork Penalty. This was supposed to teach them Trust.
The fourth trial - The Totem of Constructive Criticism Edit
There is a small metal statue on a wooden pedestal. The statue depicts four adventurers: an armored dwarven fighter, a devout elven cleric, a bookish human wizard, and a guitar-wielding orc, all laughing and high-fiving each other, a symbol of team work.
They must touch the statue and give some helpful advice to their teammates.
Magnus touches the statue and lights up the human wizard. He must give a piece of constructive criticism to Taako.
- MAGNUS: Taako...
- TAAKO: Yes...?
- MAGNUS: I feel like...
- TAAKO: Go onnnn? [laughter]
- MAGNUS: Sometimes you cast spells without any consideration of whether or not it might injure me specifically.
- TAAKO: A touch, a palpable touch. I do confess it.
That part of the statue turns gold and gives Magnus a thumbs up. Nailed it!
Taako must give a piece of constructive criticism to Merle.
- TAAKO: Your spells... can... be used... to heal wounds! So maybe... give 'er a shot!
It works, and the statue lights up. Hot dog!
Merle goes, and the fighter lights up. He must give constructive criticism to Magnus.
- MERLE: I think that I would worry a lot less, in those times when I'm pondering the fate of you, if maybe you didn't rush into every situation like a giant horse's ass.
Brad touches the statue, and he needs to give himself a quick debrief.
- BRAD: You know, Brad. Sometimes you don't let people get close enough to get to know the real you.
- GRIFFIN: Jesus.
- BRAD: You hold people at bay, you focus too much on kind of your work relationships and not maybe a relationship outside of work, Brad. You know, they could get to know the Brad that likes to party, you know, that brews his own beer at home and has a stamp collection.
The statue lights up. No Teamwork Penalties for these kiddos! The lesson here: good advice makes for good friends.
The fifth and final trial: The Arena Edit
It's time to face their final opponent, who should be taken down "carefully," Art says. Magnus rushes through the door (without opening it), and enters into clowntown. It's a very fake dungeon kitted out to look a little like a McDonald's Playplace.
There is also a large person wearing a costume designed to make them look like a skeletal dragon, but it's really just like a child's skeleton costume from the neck down with spooky skeleton dragon mask on top. It's Skelly the skeletal dragon, oh no! He can only be beaten by great teamwork.
Skelly begins throwing foam balls (fire balls) at the team. Merle rolls a 1, and gets hit in the windpipe, taking 9 damage.
They decide to throw the balls back at him. Everyone fails their rolls (foam balls are hard to throw!) except Merle, who chucks it right at Skelly's throat, defeating Skelly! Huzzah!
Brad casts healing word on him, which works, but causes him to start throwing foam balls once again.
Merle casts enhance ability on Skelly, earning him an "okay?" from Griffin. He's able to throw the balls at them much harder.
Magnus swings RailSplitter at Skelly before Brad can intervene. He does 11 nonlethal damage to the noggin. Behind the dragon, a set piece portcullis opens up, into the final chamber.
The Final Chamber Edit
It's a small room with a prop treasure chest and a light shining down on it. They open the chest all together. A spring pops out with the word "Friendship" on it.
Art asks why the exercise wasn't engaging them, and Mangus tells him that they've been through a lot of shit. Art exclaims, "Oh, it was too easy!" and the ground beneath them begins to shift. They slide down a waterslide into a more authentic dungeon.
Freaky Frickin' Friday Edit
Taako is in Merle's body, Merle is in Magnus's body, and Magnus is in Taako's. Brad is still just Brad, Braddin' it up.
Magnus (in Taako's body) immediately casts Dominate Person on Brad.
Taako says UGH and is sad that he's so short, but he appreciates the ability to check himself out in the other body.
Wiki editor's note: While the boys are Freaky Friday'd, we'll be referring to character first, then body. Like so:
- Taako (Merle) means Taako in Merle's body.
- Merle (Magnus) means Merle in Magnus's body.
- Magnus (Taako) means Magnus in Taako's body.
- Brad (Brad) means Brad in Brad's body.
It's time... to run the course again!
Trial 2.1 - The Floor is Literally Made of Lava! Edit
Planks of exactly the same dimensions as the first trial are laid out above a literal lava field. Merle (Magnus) rushes in. Taako (Merle) casts enhance ability, giving Magnus Cat's Grace. Merle (Magnus) makes it across the balance beam in no time, screaming "I'M MAGNUS!"
Magnus (Taako) casts Levitate on Taako (Merle), then casts phantom steed, calling forth Garyl! Garyl objects to being made to jump 30 feet (horses are kind of a distance thing), so Magnus (Taako) casts reduce, puts Garyl in his pocket, and runs across the boards.
Magnus (Taako) fails an acrobatics roll and trips to dangle over a pit of lava. Brad (Brad) compliments their teamwork. Brad walks over and offers a hand, Magnus (Taako) casts featherfall on himself, it's all fine. Magnus (Taako) gives Brad (Brad) tiny Garyl in thanks.
Trial 2.2 - The Wall is Made of Metal Edit
This one is a very tall wall made of metal with little hand holds. There are two crates, each with a harness apparatus described as "belt handcuffs." They must choose partners to climb.
Magnus (Taako) and Brad (Brad) are team #1. Magnus (Taako) casts Animate Objects and the wall carries them up with gross metal hands like in the Labyrinth.
Taako (Merle) and Merle (Magnus) are team #2. Merle (Magnus) rushes over and grabs Taako (Merle), chucking him over the wall. Except they are wearing the belts that tether them together. They take 7 points of damage as the tether snaps, sending one into the wall and another into the ground.
Taako (Merle) tries to cast Divine Flame, but is reminded about their friends at the top of the wall. Then he summons Della Reese, who lifts them, by the belt tether, to the top of the wall, saying, "That was a waste of my time."
Trial 2.3 - Trust Falls from a Real Tall Wall Edit
Brad (Brad) is the first catcher, able to walk down the stairs and just catch them.
Magnus (Taako) is the first to jump. He falls, and a hatch opens up in front of Brad (Brad) with a beautiful shining ruby. Even though he LOVES rubies, Brad (Brad) catches him by singing "With Arms Wide Open."
Taako (Merle) falls, a hatch opens up and there's a beautiful shining gemstone.
Merle (Magnus) attacks the wall with a dagger, but Magnus (Taako) casts featherfall. The hatch pops open with a ruby, and Taako (Merle) tries to reach in and grab a ruby. It's just a ruby!
Trial 2.4 - Totem of Constructive Criticism Edit
There are four animated skeletons instead of a statue, and here's why: None of them followed the constructive criticism they tried to give the owners of the bodies they now inhabit. Justin insists Merle passed by using some enhance abilities, but the audience believes he failed.
All 4 take 19 points of necrotic damage.
Trial 2.5 - The Arena Edit
Brad huddles them up and gives them a real good motivational speech, for some nice Bardic Inspiration.
Taako (Merle) casts mass heal wounds, which works perfectly, and says "Listen guys, we don't do a lot well, but the one thing we do dell- do do well, I think we can do well here. And that's beat ass. Let's beat some ass!"
The dragon is in a for real real arena, and Art tallies up the Teamwork Penalties, which causes three heads to sprout on the dragon.
Taako (Merle) yells to Magnus (Taako) to cast greater invisibility on himself. Magnus (Taako) runs under the dragon's ribcage. The dragon takes a swipe at Brad (Brad), who only has an armor class of 11. Brad takes 14 points of damage and his clipboard is knocked from his hands.
Brad points to the dragon and points to his own eyes, saying "focus on me, focus on me," and casts compel duel, making sure he is the only target of the dragon.
Merle (Magnus) gets hit for 21 points of damage from two heads of green fire.
Taako (Merle) creates a spiritual weapon for Brad (Brad). It's a big beautiful shining mug that can be used as a weapon. It says "Soar: To climb to new heights and achieve great things." Brad (Brad) uses it to crush three of the dragon's eight ribs.
From inside the dragon, Magnus (Taako) casts banishment on two of the dragon's heads. Two of the dragon heads poof to disappear.
Merle (Magnus) RUSHES IN, hitting the c7 with RailSplitter, and the neck just sort of teeters over. "Chiropract that!" he yells.
The now-headless dragon takes a swing at Brad (Brad), who takes 19 points of damage, narrowly missing dying. Brad (Brad) encourages the ribcage to express its own truth without magic, and finds out it has a lot of anger because of its lack of head. Brad (Brad) casts calm emotions.
Taako (Merle) casts flame strike on the ribcage, expLODING the ribcage.
Treasure time! Edit
Instead of friendship, it's a wave of force in this treasure chest. Art reveals himself to be a villain, and the ceiling is made of spikes.
Magnus (Taako) has some last, teary words: "I just wanna say- I've lost a lot- to the Magnus, but in Taako's- I wanna make that clear- And I- Okay- And I'm just glad that I found a new family! And I'm sad to lose this one too."
Taako just takes out the ruby he stole and cradles it like the old couple in Titanic.
Merle (Magnus) says, "I wish it hadn't happened!"
Brad: "I had a really great time getting to know you guys this weekend, I had a lot of fun."
The floor disappears, and they all slide down a further series of slides into the room from whence they began. When asked if they are now good friends, Magnus punches Art in the face. "That's for Brad!" he says, but Merle enhances his ability.
Art Goodfreind sees this, smiles bloodily, and says, "Teamwork."
The Money Zone Edit
Presented by Justin!
To Jay Scoot Jewelrobber from Chelsea Jewelrobber: You won't believe my Naperville paper mill whippoorwill stable bill, but April will; she'll believe anything. Hail Eirus, thank you for being a genius-weirdo nerd who invents things like computer-generated poetry or dumb tongue twisters that you repeat at me until I hate them, but who also genuinely loves and supports me. I'm glad we're forever-buddies.
For Jay! From Jay! Message: Jay!
For Iris Explosion from Zelma Zelma: Happy birthday to my favorite naked weirdo, and true sexpert -- soon to have a degree on your wall to prove it -- may your birthday herald a year of success and luck, you deserve it. Love, Zelma.
Featured NPCs Edit
Featured Music Edit
Justin mouth-singing. It's not on Spotify.
Featured Locations Edit
- Camp Good Friend
You only thought he was dead Edit
- JUSTIN: My name is Steven Amell, you may know me better as TV’s The Arrow. You’ve certainly already guessed that from my pecs and sculpt of my body. But I--this whole time I’ve been playing uh, the elven wizard Taako.
- [Audience cheers.]
- GRIFFIN: And we’ve left a seat open for Elijah! For--for nerdy Elijah. Nerdy roleplaying--uh, let’s hop right into it!
|“||Camp Goodfriend: helping you to be a better us!||”|
|“||You have to trust in the Universe to provide, death sometimes...||”|
- BRAD: Magnus, Magnus d'you wanna read the scroll for everybody?
- MAGNUS: ...It says friendship, Brad.
- BRAD: Kinda makes you think, right?
Listen, we all just love Garyl Edit
- TRAVIS: And I'm gonna cast Phantom Steed-
- GRIFFIN: Oh, shit!
- [Audience cheering & Clint laughing]
- GRIFFIN: No, wait! Don't clap yet! How is a horse gonna help you, phantom or not, how is a horse gonna help you do this?!
- GARYL: Yooo.
- GRIFFIN: Alright, suddenly right in front of you is this spectral stee-
- TAAKO: I need you now more than ever, Garyl!
- GARYL: Th- First off, I'm not fooled. Second, I know that's you. Second, this seems like a misuse of my skills.
- [Audience laughter]
- GARYL: Did you know h-
- TAAKO: We're gonna jump in together!
- GRIFFIN: You're jumping--
- GARYL: You know horses, are kind of a distance thing. This is a small room.
Like Truck Nuts Edit
- CLINT: I rush over and I grab Merle's short, but really well sculpted body.
- [Audience laughs]
- GRIFFIN: [laughs] Sure,
- CLINT: And I notice he's been workin' out-
- GRIFFIN: Excellent, excellent, excellent.
- CLINT: And I throw that lil' pecker right over the wall
- GRIFFIN: Are you putting on the belt?
- MERLE (Justin): Wheeee.
- GRIFFIN: Are you putting on the be-
- CLINT: Yes!
- GRIFFIN: Okay, you have the belts on, and you throw him up, ten feet, and then the cord snaps and it pulls you forward and the you smash into the wall and then he falls ten feet. And both of you take, 7 points of damage.